I grew up watching this on Sunday afternoons with my mum, who had such a massive crush on Harrison Ford, she enthusiastically took me and my sisters to see all three original Star Wars movies in the cinema. (My mother does not care for sci-fi.) Here goes nothin'!
1. Indiana Jones is stealing important religious artifacts from Native people. Indiana Jones is a dick. Also: possible imperialist.
2. Keeping your gigantic pet snake in your shitty little plane is animal cruelty.
3. No female in the history of the world has ever written the words LOVE YOU on her eyelids in the process of hitting on someone. This is an early indicator that this film was definitely written by a man.
4. Why does Indiana Jones only need glasses when inside the University? They’re not for reading - he’s wandering around, conducting multiple conversations, and a class, while wearing them. So why doesn’t he need them at home? Or outside?
5. Indie just packed a suitcase to go on his adventure. He, and none of us, will ever see it again.
6. Indiana Jones lives in the Bay Area?! (Golden Gate Bridge sighting.)
7. Marion just won a drinking competition and she’s perfectly sober now.
8. Marion: “I was a child and I was in love! You knew what you were doing…”
Indie: “I did what I did. You don’t have to be happy about it.” Marion: “Do you know what you did to me? To my life?” OMG, Indiana Jones is a statutory rapist!
9. So Indie and Marion are killing all of these sherpas instead of the nazis in the room? Nice one, imperialists.
10. Marion’s entire livelihood just burned down and she basically shrugged.
11. Harrison Ford is fucking BEAUTIFUL. (You were right, mum!)
12. Marion and Indie are being attacked by an entire village because of a SPY MONKEY? Am I getting this right? This movie makes no sense. Why would all of these unprovoked people be trying to kill them? They’re not even nazis!
13. Now Indie is hanging out with the spy monkey again! Know your enemy, jackass.
14. Why does the “French” archaeologist have a British accent?
15. Indie: “Marion’s dead.” Sidekick: “Yes I know… Life goes on!” Fucking SERIOUSLY, side-kick? Is nobody going to acknowledge the fact that this broad was living a perfectly nice life in her bar in Nepal until this jackass came along and got it all burned down. IT’S YOUR FAULT, INDIANA JONES.
16. This fortune teller reminds me of J. Mascis from Dinosaur Jr.
17. Spy monkey just ate a poisoned date. Spy monkey is dead! Long live spy monkey!
18. So… there’s gotta be at least 60 fucking tents on an archaeological dig of this size and Indie just HAPPENS to wander into the one where Marion is tied up? REALLY?
19. Indiana Jones just left the woman he statutory raped tied up in a nazi tent because he didn’t want to get busted before he’d found the ark. So, he’s not just a piece of shit, he’s a materialistic, cowardly piece of shit.
20. Fake French archaeologist buys Marion a frilly white dress and asks her to put it on. Not only does she immediately comply, she gives him a little twirl once she has it on. A man definitely wrote this movie.
21. Indiana Jones just burned an entire room of snakes alive. How have I never noticed how bad animals had it in this movie?
22. Fake French archaeologist just said the word “‘ere” instead of “here”. So I guess he IS French after all. *eye roll*
23. So… nazis lock Indie and Marion in a tomb 40 feet below ground and, after they knock a wall down, they are magically 15 feet above ground at some sort of nazi airport instead of the archaeological site they got buried in? Makes total sense.
24. Marion just stole a plane and shot and killed an entire truck full of nazis. What have you done lately, Indiana Jones? Aside from get your ass kicked by this big bald nazi?
25. None of the punches thrown in this movie look even vaguely like they’re landing.
26. How do all of the villagers instinctively know to conceal Indie’s truck 3 seconds after he drives into town?
27. Side-kick, about Indie and Marion: “These are my friends. They are my family.” ARE they, side-kick? Because I vividly recall you not giving a shit about one of them dying five minutes ago.
28. Marion puts on a silky white slip and tries to give Indie a bed bath. True to form, he’s a massive baby about it, then passes out before she can bone him. Indiana Jones SUCKS.
29. The ark just burned through the swastika on the side of its box. The ark has a POLITICAL VIEWPOINT.
30. Oh good! Nazi piracy! I really wish one of them would look directly at the camera and say the words “Look at me. I am the captain now.”
31. All of these casual discussions about selling Marion into a life of sexual slavery are upsetting me a great deal.
32. Now she’s trudging through the desert. Can somebody get this poor woman some pants to put on? And some BOOTS?
33. Why is everyone upset about the ark being full of sand/ ashes? Surely far more preferable to all the dry ice and ghosts that are about to come out of it? Why is the ark full of evil ghosts anyway? Nobody explains this.
34. So the nazis are melting and exploding now. And the footage of the fire rolling over them is clearly a miniature set inhabited by GI Joe dolls.
35. Marion and Indie get out of the mass melting by not “looking at it.” Again, makes zero fucking sense.
36. So, Indie brings the ark back to ‘mer’ca and it gets stolen and locked away by the army. So this entire movie has been a pointless waste of time and the rightful home of the ark has been desecrated. Indiana Jones is a DICK.