I remember this as a classic 'Oh Shit We're Not Teenagers Anymore' movie. With a saxophone. Let's do this, Brat Pack!
1. Opening scene: Andrew McCarthy is walking with all his pals into a hospital, SMOKING A CIGARETTE. He does not put out the cigarette, even at the front desk, and no one asks him to. There is a fat naked person roaming the halls in the background for literally no fathomable reason (he’s being led by a nurse too… GET HIM A GOWN, YOU BITCH.) Emilio Estevez is wearing a red bowtie, checked half apron and red braces (suspenders) like a housewife who is also in a barbershop quartet. Can’t wait to see where THIS fucking goes…
2. Judd Nelson works for a Congressman. Whatever, John Bender...
3. Demi Moore just rocked up wearing a bright pink gown, fur stole and dangly diamond earrings. I don’t care if they all went to the same college: None of these people would ever be fucking friends.
4. Rob Lowe is sitting between the open back doors of an ambulance, next to a nurse doing paperwork, and he’s PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE. I already know this is going to be the funniest movie of all time.
5. Andie McDowell, a doctor, picks up and comforts a small African American child. Emilio watches on with passion in his bowtie and to represent this, the song “St Elmo’s Fire” kicks in. It makes me extremely excited for reasons that probably have to do with pre-teen burgeoning sexuality from when I first saw this movie. THE 1980s WERE A CONFUSING TIME, YOU GUYS.
6. Rob Lowe has been bailed out of jail for drunk driving by Demi Moore. “Somebody get me a screwdriver!” he exclaims. Manly drinks in the 1980s were very, very different.
7. It's a side-note, but remember that time Rob Lowe had sex with two 14-year-old girls and filmed it? Think about that for a moment, then think about his character in ‘Parks & Recreation’.
Confusing, isn’t it?
8. Judd Nelson is TERRIBLE at playing a Republican guy. It reminds me of hanging out with my parents’ friends and trying to not swear. Just… tightly wound, constipated-looking and not fooling anyone in the slightest.
9. This “booga-booga-booga-ah-ha-ha” thing they're all doing every ten minutes is very fucking NOT endearing. Shut it, white people.
10. Ally Sheedy and Judd Nelson have just moved in together. They have one of those massive 80s loft apartments with a big glass wall and a fuck off huge mural of a naked man torso. I feel bad for them though because they don’t have a wall fish tank. Even the guy in the squat in ‘Desperately Seeking Susan’ had a wall fish tank.
11. Andrew McCarthy is lying in bed wearing a hat and listening to Aretha Franklin. He’s in a cluttered apartment that contains records, several type writers, a filing cabinet and bongos. Which means he’s a struggling writer.
Am I Andrew goddamn McCarthy in this film? SHIT.
12. Everyone smokes in this movie with all the windows closed. The 80s were a stinky, stinky time.
13. We’re only 16 minutes in and someone (Demi Moore) is already driving an open-topped Jeep. IN WASHINGTON DC. Have fun in winter, you fucking imbecile.
14. Demi Moore’s apartment is like a luminous pink Athena poster of Billy Idol. (No, really, she literally has a Billy Idol mural.) PS. If you don’t what Athena is you are either very young, or very American.
15. We have now established that Andrew McCarthy hasn’t had sex for two years and has also “never made a pass” at Demi Moore. This means he is GAY and IN DENIAL.
16. Andrew McCarthy comforts Ally Sheedy who just burned her hand. If he wasn’t so GAY, you’d think this might be a thing. But, you know, GAY. Which is a plot point to distract us from the fact that he’s in love with Ally Sheedy and we’re not supposed to know it yet.
17. Andrew McCarthy says: “Marriage was invented by people who were lucky to make it to 20 without being eaten by dinosaurs.” Andrew McCarthy thinks that humans and dinosaurs inhabited Earth at the same time. I assume the college these people have all just graduated from must have been Catholic…
18. Judd Nelson just cheated on Ally Sheedy, because that’s what Republicans do.
19. Andrew McCarthy yells at a prostitute for never asking if he wants a date. “You wouldn’t know about loving someone from afar, huh?” he drops into the subsequent weird conversation. Fuck off, Andrew McCarthy. Leave that nice lady in the ‘Beat It’ jacket alone.
20. Demi Moore is at “The Van Buren Hotel” wearing another pink gown. “I’m with these Arabs and they’ve been forcing me to do coke all night,” she tells Judd Nelson on the phone. THIS IS NOT A THING. Also, Arabic folks don’t all dress like shieks you goddamn racists.
21. Welfare mom stereotype just happened at frumpy girl Wendy’s job. This woman has 5 children of ages so similar, you’d assume she had them all at the same time. Except two of them are black, so let’s assume she’s just an irresponsible slut instead. This welfare whore isn’t interested in getting a job either. “Just gimme my check,” she says three times. FUCK YOU, RONALD REAGAN, FOR EVER MAKING THIS SCENE SEEM REASONABLE.
22. Wendy has taken Rob Lowe to meet her very rich family over dinner. Everyone is wearing pearls and talking about Jews. I don’t even know what to say about that.
23. Rob Lowe escapes out a window of Wendy’s parents’ mansion to lie on the roof smoking. “I used to do this all the time at the frat house,” he says, “with my horn.” OH BUT OF COURSE.
24. Wendy casually drops into conversation that she’s “still a virgin”. So Rob Lowe makes out with her and pings her thick pink tights. She’s so upset she runs away. Not before giving him rent money though. Totally feasible.
25. It’s Halloween and the gang is at St. Elmo’s where Emilio Estevez is working while wearing a Hawaiian shirt, and Rob Lowe is enthusiastically sweating into his saxophone. Wendy is wearing a frumpy girl outfit. Because: Wendy.
26. Rob Lowe’s wife just showed up to the bar with a date. Rob Lowe has a kid. Did I forget to mention that? (Sorry, I am bored by children.) His dangly earring really compliments his “horn” but he stops the set to yell at his wife’s date. Then they have a fist fight and Rob Lowe gets fired. “I should’ve had a vasectomy at birth!” he yells. Yes. Yes you should have, Rob Lowe, so your ex wouldn’t be raising a child on her own without any financial help from you and your shitty saxophone career. Then Rob Lowe calls his wife a “slut” and a “bitch” so she makes out with him. Because: OF COURSE SHE DOES. Angry, dead beat dads are SEXY, yo!
27. Demi Moore and Ally Sheedy decide to steal food from homeless people because Wendy is working at a soup kitchen and refuses to leave for lunch. They don’t think anything is wrong with this whatsoever, even after Demi Moore abandons her untouched food tray to go do something else. ENTITLED MUCH?!
28. The women in this film keep using the word “bop” instead of “fuck” or “have sex with”. As per Demi Moore and her married boss: “I’ll bop him for a few years until…” THIS IS NOT A THING. THIS WAS NEVER A THING. “She Bop” by Cyndi Lauper does not even make this a thing. (That song was about masturbation, idiots.)
29. Emilio Estevez is now full-on-disturbing stalking Andie McDowell. (She does have exceptional hair though…) Down to peering through party windows in the rain. We’re supposed to think it’s a cute indication of his dedication. So she abandons her date at the fancy party and takes him home! OF COURSE SHE DOES. And then he leaves in a huff because he’s not rich which is ALL HER FAULT.
30. Rob Lowe is back on campus and smoking profusely. He plays football with current students. BECAUSE THAT’S NOT WEIRD.
31. Rob Lowe’s ex wants to marry someone else and he won’t let her. Cool story, bro.
32. “It made me grow up a lot.” Frumpy Wendy is talking about the tights pinging incident. REALLY, Wendy? That’s all it took? A pink tights ping? Has NOTHING ever happened to you before in YOUR LIFE?
33. “St Elmo’s Fire” is playing again. I am happy. But Judd Nelson just made Ally Sheedy cry in the kitchen. No bueno.
34. Emilio Estevez shows up the door of the woman he’s stalking and demands to know where she is. “Why should I tell you?” her roommate says. And then Emilio physically threatens her. Because ROMANTIC.
35. Rob Lowe gets Demi to drive him to his ex’s house, then asks Demi “Whatchoo got on underneath that skirt?” completely unironically. Then they make out for 30 seconds and he steals her car keys. Totally cute, amiright, ladies?
36. Emilio just drove a long way to see the doctor he’s stalking. He falls over in the snow a lot then yells at her boyfriend who’s trying to be nice. Get it together, Emilio Estevez.
37. Ally Sheedy, having been kicked out by Judd Nelson because HE was cheating on HER, is at Andrew McCarthy’s shithole. She finds an alarming number of photos of herself and doesn't run away for some reason. Then they get drunk, he confesses love (NOT GAYNESS, DEMI), and she keeps her pearls on during sex. Including in the shower. And under an old Native American blanket. Because that's how ladies boned in the 80s.
38. Emilio Estevez is having his photo taken by the boyfriend of the doctor he’s stalking. Because that’s a normal thing to do, for sure. Emilio does his 'Young Guns' laugh immediately afterwards, because TRIUMPH. (Also, he forcibly kisses her while the boyfriend is getting the camera, which isn’t at all creepy.)
39. “No Springsteen is leaving this house!”
I finally agree with Judd Nelson about something! Except he's a Republican and the only Republican that has ever genuinely liked Bruce Springsteen is Chris Christie. And I'm pretty sure Springsteen is not happy with the association. No 'Darkness on the Edge of Town' for YOU, Judd Nelson!
41. Nothing unites a friend group like Demi Moore, half naked in an uncomfortably pink apartment with all the windows open. “What’s the big deal here?” Rob Lowe asks, as all the other friends panic. I’m with Rob Lowe. This is the crappest suicide attempt ever.
42. Demi Moore’s dad hates her. Can you send me his details? I think we'd get along... Luckily, Rob Lowe is dressed like a Ghostbuster, which is nice.
43. Rob Lowe has been wearing way too much blusher for this entire movie.
44. Rob Lowe and frumpy Wendy doing it is FUCKING WEIRD. This plot point should've been left on the cutting room floor.
45. The gang has converged on a hideous bus station to say goodbye to Rob Lowe and his saxamophone. He’s gonna be a big starrrrrr in New York! Not one of these people brings up the fact that he's abandoning an infant. Jesus Christ...
46. Andrew McCarthy is wearing a really weird hat/ camel jacket combo. I think it’s because he’s had an article printed in the local paper now.
47. The gang do one last “booga-booga-booga-ah-ha-ha” just to ensure that we can get away from this film with all of our hatred intact. Fuck you, white people.