I LOVED this film when it came out. LOVED it. So did my parents. Then my mum got really upset about the whole thing because Paul Hogan left his wife for the woman that plays Sue. The British tabloids had a field day with that at the time.
Anyway, Australian stereotyping in 3... 2...
1. First thing in the movie is a shot of the Twin Towers, all lit up and pretty. Way to bum me out, Crocodile Dundee.
2. Sue is a high-flying journalist. Sue was due home from Sydney yesterday, but “there’s just one more story [she] has to do.”
I would like to go on the record as saying that journalists no longer have expense accounts that would allow for this type of behavior. Or expense accounts, period.
3. Sue needs to go to “a place called Walkabout Creek”. Because: AUSTRALIA, amiright?
4. Sue’s editor just called her “honey”. Women can’t have jobs without boning their bosses. That’s how life works.
5. Sue is arriving to small town Australia wearing a headscarf, brown leather gloves and a heavily shoulder-padded suit jacket. Sue is deeply impractical while pretending to be practical.
6. The man from “Never Never Safaris” (Walter) is wearing a silk scarf tied around his neck, knee high white socks and ALSO A HEAVILY SHOULDER PADDED SUIT JACKET. Has nobody noticed how fucking hot it is in Australia this time of year?
7. Sue is paying Walter and Dundee $2500 for this little jaunt. What fucking 1986 newspaper are you working for, Sue? Twelve countries' Vogue budgets?!
8. Dundee just ordered a beer for a dead crocodile. All of his clothes have tooth accessories. He forces Sue to dance with him. I am suicidal.
9. Dundee has the kind of tanned and leathery skin that only people in the 1980s had. Is Paul Hogan still alive, or did he dehydrate himself to death?
10. Sue: “How old are you?”
Dundee: “Dunno. What year is this?”
Walter: “Time doesn’t mean much up here, miss. The aborigines don’t have calendars.”
God, give me strength.
11. There is a large horned mammal blocking the road. It won’t move for the Jeep horn, so Dundee gets out, makes creaky mouth noises, devil horn handsigns in its poor meaty face and the big cow thing lies down, still in the road. NOW YOU DEFINITELY CAN’T GET PAST, YOU TWAT.
12. An undetermined amount of time later (how long does a cow sleep?), everyone rides in a boat to some island thing and Dundee announces that it’s 2:20pm, based on looking at the sun. You fuck off. You fuck off and you die, Paul Hogan!
13. Sue explains that her ex-husband was an activist who “is probably marching right now for the gay Nazis or something.” I want to kill you, Sue.
14. Sue does a lot of catalogue poses around the camp fire. Stop cocking your leg up on things, Sue! Something’s going to crawl in there!
15. Jeeps full of poachers are on the island shooting kangaroos. So Sue stands up and wanders around amongst the gunfire, I assume with the aim of getting killed. I’d do the same thing in your position, Sue. Die and just get this over with.
16. Dundee uses a kangaroo carcass to convince the poachers that it is shooting at them. With a gun.
This is the dumbest film I have ever seen in my life.
17. Sue is in the outback for two days and has 15 costume changes. One of her items is a swimsuit, with the highest-waisted thong I have ever seen in my life. Jane Fonda's workout videos have a lot to answer for.
18. Sue almost gets her face bitten off by a crocodile (because she's a Sheila). Dundee rescues her and her fabulous 1980s arse and then they have a cuddle. Then Dundee examines a scratch on said arse to make sure it doesn’t “turn septic.”
19. An aborigine shows up in full face and chest paint. This is hilarious because he wears jeans and swears LIKE A WHITE PERSON. Isn’t life crazy, you guys?
20. “You’re a woman, you’re a reporter. That makes you the biggest busy-body in the world.”
“I’ll take it,” Sue smiles.
DON’T TAKE IT, SUE! THAT’S NOT A COMPLIMENT, SUE!
21. Dundee kills a fish with a spear and it’s completely dead by the time it emerges from the water one second later. Sue is so impressed, she snogs Dundee.
22. Twin Towers shot again. Come ON. I miss those buildings.
23. Sue kisses her editor boyfriend at the airport. I forgot about him. Sue is a CHEATER.
24. Dundee doesn’t know how to get off an escalator because they don’t have those in Australia. Also, he, for some reason, needs to look at the limo’s engine that just dropped him off, even though he’s BEEN A JEEP, LIKE FIVE MINUTES AGO.
25. Dundee has a massive suite at the Waldorf Astoria because this newspaper has an unlimited budget for fluff bullshit.
26. “Can I get the direct dialing code for Australia?” Sue says into the phone. This is how people phoned places in 1986, kids. We are given absolutely no explanation about why she's calling Australia when the only person she knows from there is IN THE SAME ROOM.
27. Dundee confuses a bidet for “a dunny.” That simple heathen! The laughs just keep coming…
28. Dundee climbs a lamppost to see the lay of the land on the busy streets of Manhattan. A police officer puts him on the back of his horse and takes him home to the Waldorf. He hands Dundee his massive knife (plus sheath) back at the hotel. I call BULLSHIT. I couldn’t even carry my fucking pocket knife in New York because LAWS.
29. Sue takes her boyfriend and the man she just snogged to a restaurant together. She has not offered an explanation about any of this to either of them. I am questioning Sue’s life choices and moral standing at this point.
30. “Richard is warm, caring and I love him, okay?” Sue tells Dundee. Love him so much you snogged a stranger in the outback, Sue! Come on, Sue! I back you trying to nail two dudes at once, but at least keep them away from each other… That’s just common sense.
31. Dundee doesn’t understand Ebonics.
32. Dundee almost takes a transgender woman home until his new friend, his cab driver, refers to the woman as “a fag, for Chrissakes.” So Dundee grabs the crotch of the transgender woman he was about to go home with. Because belittling and sexually assaulting non-cis-gendered people is TOTALLY FUNNY. I fucking hate the 1980s.
33. Two prostitutes offer to give Dundee “one for free”. Their pimp interrupts and tells them off. Because hookers love their work and are in no way doing it to make money quickly.
34. Sue does a sexy thing with her leg around the bathroom door while Dundee is in the bath. This woman STILL has a boyfriend. Pick a man, Sue!
35. Sue introduces Dundee to an artistic older lady at a party, who’s wearing an ‘80s white people turban. Unsure of her gender (because of that whole transgender bar incident), Dundee grabs THIS woman’s crotch too and then smiles because there’s not a dick present. “It’s okay,” Sue says immediately after this very illegal assault has occured. “He’s Australian.” (FUCK YOU, SUE.)
“Maybe I’d better go there someday,” says the woman who just got sexually assaulted. THIS MOVIE IS THE WORST.
36. An INXS song is playing at the party because AUSTRALIA.
37. Dundee finds a man snorting cocaine in the party kitchen, assumes he has “a blocked nose”, pours all of the drugs into a bowl with boiling water and sticks the man’s face in it with a teatowel over his head. Although he would surely be murdered for wasting several hundred dollars worth of drugs in NYC in 1986, I can’t say anything about this, because my friend Carly once did this to me with Olbas Oil and Vicks Vapor Rub when my ears were blocked from a flight to Sydney, so ALL AUSTRALIANS DO THIS: FACT.
38. It’s the “That’s not a knife, this is a knife” scene. You already know why this is dumb.
39. Sue’s snogging Dundee again. PICK A MAN, BITCH.
40. Sue’s dad shows up to the office. Apparently, he also “runs the newspaper.” You need a wider social circle, Sue.
41. There are two aggressive rottweilers running around the mansion grounds at Sue’s dad’s house. Dundee does the cow trick on them, but my main beef is that Sue’s dad has attack dogs running around while party guests are arriving. I now know why she’s such an irresponsible asshole.
42. Sue’s boyfriend is wearing a powder blue suit.
I fucking hate the 1980s.
Richard proposes and drops a ring on Sue's finger without waiting for her to say yes. Richard is an asshole – these two SHOULD spend the rest of their lives together. ASSHOLES.
43. Dundee gets punched by the one pimp in NYC that he's already met (plus cronies) so his limo driver LITERALLY RUNS THEM OVER and retrieves Dundee. Dundee asks what tribe the limo driver is (because: BLACK) and the limo driver says “Harlem Warthogs.” HE LIVES IN HARLEM BECAUSE HE IS BLACK, EVERYBODY.
44. Sue tries to call the Waldorf Astoria to reach Dundee and is told he’s checked out. OF COURSE HE HAS. BECAUSE YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, SUE. But she heads over there anyway because this woman can't take a hint.
45. Dundee heads to the subway. At the Waldorf Astoria, a door guy tells her that's where Dundee is headed. Let’s hope she knows which stop, because, as you know, New York has a subway station every two blocks. Sue takes off her heels to run so let’s just assume she knows the right one to run to, okay? Also, don’t step on any needles in those bare feet, Sue, ya fuckin idiot.
46. Sue magically picks not only the right subway, but the correct platform. (Good for you, Sue - I lived in New York for three years and still made mistakes sometimes...)
47. A cute thing happens where New Yorkers relay messages between Sue and Dundee. A man in an orange hardhat says “Don’t leave. I’m not going to marry Richard.” You shouldn't, man in orange hardhat. Because Richard is still an asshole.
47. Sue starts yelling “I love you” down the platform. Woman, you have known this cat for about two weeks. Slow your roll.
49. Sue and Dundee kiss and we must assume that their cultural differences will in no way impair their new, hideous relationship. Good luck with that, assholes.