There were no restrictions on films me and my sisters watched when we were small children. None at all. This remains an odd blip in what was, and is, an otherwise very conservative household. (My parents make no sense.) The first time my entire family sat down to watch Fatal Attraction, it was during a trip to Disneyworld, Florida (which should give you some idea of my and my sister's ages at the time). Thankfully, I had fallen asleep when they first put the film on, thereby avoiding the awkwardness of watching Glenn Close give Michael Douglas a blow job in an elevator, surrounded by my entire family, when I was NINE. I did catch everything from the rabbit-cooking onwards though because the screaming on the TV woke me up. Fun times...
1. Apparently headphones have come full circle. Dan is wearing what appears to be a set of Beats By Dre, 30 years before they’ve been "invented".
2. Alex is mean to a guy that hits on her at a party. WHAT A BITCH, amiright?
3. Alex and Dan are in a meeting about a novel in which a politician has an affair. FORESHADOWING.
4. Alex has resting bitch face. And she’s confident. And she smokes. AND she has the audacity to come onto Dan. RUN FOR THE HILLS, DAN! This one’s clearly a psycho!
5. Alex lives in a converted warehouse, because at least one person in every single movie made in the 1980s does.
6. Boning, etc.
7. Dan speaks to his wife on the phone. She is in the countryside with her parents for the weekend and tells him there is spaghetti in the fridge. That mundane housewife!
8. Alex calls Dan at his house. “What happened? I woke up, you weren’t here. I hate that.” She wants to hang out today. He says he can’t because he has to work and walk the dog he abandoned alone overnight yesterday. “Bring the dog! I love animals! I’m a great cook!” MORE FORESHADOWING. Alex persuades Dan to go to Central Park. “You just don’t give up, do you?” he says.
'Fatal Attraction' is not a subtle movie.
9. Alex is making spaghetti for Dan. SEE? He’s not eating his wife’s spaghetti, he’s eating Alex’s spaghetti, because SYMBOLISM.
(Later, he feeds his wife’s spaghetti to the dog. I think that’s where the sexual metaphor gets lost…)
10. Alex and Dan are discussing Madame Butterfly. A story in which a woman becomes pregnant by a man who leaves her for another, rendering her suicidal. ENOUGH WITH THE FORESHADOWING, FATAL ATTRACTION! Jesus Christ, this movie is about a subtle as a fucking air raid...
11. Alex: “I just wanna know where I stand.”
Dan: “I think you’re terrific, but I’m married.”
That’s kind of a mixed signal you’re sending out there, Dan.
12. Alex cuts her wrists because she can’t bear the fact that Dan has to leave. No woman in the history of the world has done this over a dude she’s known for two days.
13. Dan runs Alex’s gaping wounds under the tap. Yeah, thanks, Mum. That’ll help. They don’t even go to a hospital! WTF? DITCH HER AT THE HOSPITAL, DAN. THEY HAVE COUNSELLORS THERE.
14. Alex says: “Will you call me sometime? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Because women are never being honest when they say that, amiright, guys?
15. Dan and wife look at a house in the country to buy, then Alex shows up to Dan’s office in the biggest shoulder pads I have ever seen. She is apologizing for the wrist thing. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t been there…”
Run them under a tap yourself, maybe?!
16. Dan and wife (what IS her name??) go bowling with friends while Alex sits at home crying, listening to opera and flicking a lamp on and off. Because being single, liking opera and affording electricity are THE WORST.
17. Dan and Wife (her name doesn’t matter apparently, so we'll just call her Wife) are on another double date with their bowling friends. Couples don’t hang out with each other this frequently. (Or do they? What would I know? I’m just a sad single woman who likes opera and lamps.)
18. Dan won’t take Alex’s calls at the office, so she keeps calling his house. When he goes to meet her to tell her to “see a shrink”, she tells him she’s pregnant.
“You don’t use anything?” Dan asks.
That’s a question for BEFORE the sex, Dan! Jesus Christ, Dan! The country is right in the middle of the AIDS crisis, Dan!
“I had a terrible miscarriage last year,” Alex says. “I didn’t think I could get pregnant.”
“How do you know it’s mine?”
“Because I don’t sleep around.”
“I’ll pay for the abortion,” Dan says casually.
Dan, you idiot! You do know that when women are going to have abortions, the casual sex partner responsible for the sperm generally doesn’t get told that it’s happening, right? Especially when the pregnant woman is a very successful executive who don’t need your stinkin’ money, thanks. Dan is a patronizing douchelord.
“There are plenty of one-parent families,” Alex says, very reasonably. “I want this baby whether you’re involved or not.”
“Then why are you telling me?” Dan spits.
WHAT A BITCH FOR GIVING YOU THE OPTION OF BEING INVOLVED IN YOUR OFFSPRING’S LIFE.
19. Dan finds out that Alex is definitely pregnant, so breaks into her apartment. Wait. Who’s the bad guy in this movie again?!
20. “I’m scared, Jimmy,” – Jimmy is the bowling buddy – “I don’t want to lose my family.” So maybe don’t have weekend affairs with women the second your wife visits her parents, jackass!
21. “I’m going to be the mother of your child. I want some respect,” Alex says. “I’ll tell your wife…” Dan proceeds to pin Alex up against the wall BY HER THROAT. Again, who’s the bad guy here?!
22. I am remembering how annoying landlines are. There are a lot of phones ringing in this movie.
23. Dan’s Volvo has had battery acid poured all over it. Because that’s easy to get hold of!
24. Alex is in the garden watching Dan, Wife, Kid and New Rabbit through the window. She vomits in the bushes. It’s unclear whether this is morning sickness or a visceral response to seeing so much wholesome shit at the same time after being in New York for so long.
I know the feeling, love.
25. Dan hugs his daughter for a long and meaningful portion of time. Because this child is deserving of his love. Not like the one Alex is going to have. That's the evil baby. Fuck that baby.
26. Bunny boiling, yadda-yadda-yadda.
27. Dan 'fesses up to Wife. Kind of. “It was one night. It didn’t mean anything.” YOU’RE A LIAR, DAN! YOU’RE A DAMN LIAR!! IT WAS A WEEKEND AND YOU KNOW IT.
28. Wife calls Alex. “If you ever come near my family again, I’ll kill you. You understand?” Then she kicks Dan out.
29. Kid goes to the funfair with Alex because no one ever taught this child about stranger danger. YOU’RE BAD PARENTS, Dan and Wife!
30. Wife frantically crashes car in a panic, child gets dropped off at home by Alex, post-funfair. No explanation about how this 5-year-old child then gets to the hospital to see her mother. There was no Uber in 1987, you guys, and she’s already there when Dan arrives. Someone explain this to me.
31. Dan goes to see Alex and immediately physically assaults her. A full blown fight breaks out and he strangles her for a while. You could get this woman on a kidnapping charge now. Wouldn’t that be easier than MURDER, Dan?
32. Back home, Kid asks “Are you going to stay with us?”
Dan says “I promise.”
“Forever?” Kid asks.
Stop making promises you can’t keep, Dan! That’s what got you into this mess in the first place! Vows, much?
33. Wife is interacting with Dan like he didn’t just get the pet rabbit killed. And also almost get her and her child killed. And also get some other broad knocked up because he can’t keep it in his pants for a weekend. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, WOMAN!
34. Alex is in the house with a kitchen knife, stabbing herself in the leg for some reason. It’s okay though, because now she’s stabbing Dan too. (HURRAY!) He smashes her head into a mirror.
(It’s a side note, but it always strikes me that actors who have to smash mirrors in movies must be terribly NOT superstitious… If it was me, I’d have a no-mirrors clause in my contract.)
35. Dan drowns Alex in the bath and has a nice sit down. When Alex (inevitably) pops back up out of the bath, Wife shoots Alex in the chest like it ain’t no thing. WHERE IS YOUR CHILD, DAN AND WIFE? (Also, Wife, if you’re pro-life, killing a pregnant woman SURELY has to be a conflict of interest…)
36. Dan and Wife embrace passionately after the cops have left and we’re supposed to assume their marriage will survive this mess. IT WILL NOT. AT ALL. No way in hell. This marriage is 100% doomed and a woman is dead. All because of Dan's penis.