At one time, I considered 'Pretty In Pink' to be one of my favorite movies. Now I consider it a chilling tale about a town full of sexual predators and the women who are just trying to survive them.
1. I’ve only just noticed, but the opening scene of ‘Pretty In Pink’ is almost identical to the opening scene of ‘Pretty Woman’. Stocking being rolled up leg: check! Zipper being zipped up over naked flesh: check! Accessories and make up being applied: check! Body double: check!
One is about a high school girl, the other is about a prostitute. Because in Hollywood, those two are the same things.
2. Harry Dean Stanton starts his day by asking his daughter, Andie, if she has been asked to the prom yet. No father in the history of the world has ever done this.
3. Duckie stops two girls in the hall at school and says “Ladies, let’s figure out a deal where either one, or both of you, could be pregnant by the holidays.” OMG. Duckie is TERRIFYING.
4. James Spader prevents Andie from getting into her very cute little pink car so he can ask for a date, then gets aggressive when she turns him down. “You’re a BITCH,” he says. Are all of the women being sexually harassed by douchebags at this high school? Yes. Yes they are.
5. Andie works at Trax for Annie Potts – a woman who, in this role, is supposed to be super old, but looks about 25. This fucks up the entire script. Way to go, casting.
6. Blaine enters, doing that creepy starey eye thing someone told Andrew McCarthy was cute once. (It actually makes him look like a sexual predator… which fits quite well with the rest of this movie, so okay.)
7. Annie Potts arguing with a dude on the phone: “Since when?” she exclaims. “Since I spent the night tied up in the back seat of your car!”
'PRETTY IN PINK' IS A HORROR MOVIE.
8. Duckie is waiting outside a club he can’t get into because he is straight up STALKING Andie. Why am I even surprised at this point?
9. While working in the library, Andie receives the first instant message in the history of humanity. Blaine should just leave High School right this instant and go work for Apple, because he just successfully sent photos and graphics between two unconnected Commodore 64s. In 1986.
(It’s a side note, but the sound of old keyboards is incredibly satisfying - someone should bring that back.)
10. Duckie is now hanging out with Andie’s dad, asking him for her hand in marriage. Call the cops, Harry Dean Stanton!
11. Duckie sets off the fire alarm in Trax, right as Blaine has come in to flirt with Andie using only his scary eyes and inability to open his mouth when he talks. He ends up leaving with shitty James Spader while she’s dealing with the alarm. Duckie is a really serious fucking problem and no one is doing anything about it.
12. Andie gets home to 15 messages from Duckie. CALL THE COPS, Andie! Right now!
13. “You know even though I get angry sometimes, I secretly love it,” Andie tells Duckie about his incessant stalking. The message here is that stalking is a legitimate way to get close to someone, and women really like it even when they’re objecting. So, ‘Pretty In Pink’ is a film about rape. Awesome.
14. Andie’s friend is smoking in gym class. THAT'S REALISTIC!
15. One of the girls in gym class who doesn’t even have any lines is frickin’ GINA GERSHON.
16. 90% of the time in this movie, Andie is dressed in outfits that are horrible, even by '80s standards, and yet everyone keeps crapping their pants about her great style. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
17. Blaine picks Andie up from Trax for their first date, with the immortal line “You wanna go home and change?” In fairness to him, it’s because she basically looks like this:
18. Blaine takes Andie to his friend’s house party because taking a girl you like to a place where all of her bullies are shit-faced is an awesome idea. Then he makes her sit there and take abuse from James Spader and a mean blonde. Because, when it comes to abusive relationships, it's never too early to start gas-lighting!
19. After Blaine gets called a “faggot” (another thing that happens in every single movie from the 1980s), Andie takes him to her goth club, where Duckie is getting drunk with Annie Potts. Duckie gets in because Annie Potts told the doorguy “he was my kid.” I hope whoever cast this role never worked again.
20. Duckie makes a scene because: psychopath.
21. The “I don’t want you to take me home because I don’t want you to see where I live” scene is surprisingly moving! Well done, Molly Ringwald!
22. Blaine asks Andie to the prom, so she makes out with him like she's about to lose her home and he's got rent money stashed at the back of this throat. (I have been living in the United States for the better part of 15 years now and I’ve still yet to see any real life evidence that kids give this much of a shit about prom.)
23. “Does he have strong lips?” Annie Potts asks Andie the next day. Men, I feel the need to go on record: this is not how women talk to each other.
24. Annie Potts has her hair in a beehive and is wearing her super fifties prom dress. She talks a lot about how great her ass used to be... while still rockin' a perfect ass because she's hella young. Based on the period of the wardrobe, she’s supposed to have gone to prom around 1958. So Annie Potts is supposed to be 46 in this movie. (I am so angry about this whole thing, I looked up her age - she was 34 when she made 'Pretty In Pink', and a youthful 34 at that. I'm gonna find you, casting people...)
25. Blaine takes Andie to the “Chestnut Hill Hunt Club” to sit in bales of hay, surrounded by the smell of horse shit. Because ROMANCE, amiright?
26. Andie: “If somebody doesn’t believe in me, I can’t believe in them.”
Blaine: “You don’t lie. Do you?”
Andie: “I don’t have to.”
Blaine: “This is going to happen.”
HEY! KIDS! It would appear you two are having two completely different conversations simultaneously! Cut the shit!
27. Just noticed that Andrew McCarthy has the kind of weird teenage boy hands that are always clammy and usually smell like snack food. Really wish he didn’t just touch her face with those...
28. Andie goes to a boutique to look at dresses. She gets talked down to by a snooty shop girl. HOLY SHIT, PRETTY WOMAN! STEAL MUCH?
29. James Spader told Blaine that Andie was trash and now Blaine won’t take her calls. Literally two minutes after the “This is going to happen” proclamation. Fuck you, Blaine, you pro-hunt, sex predator eyes motherfucker.
30. “You’re a filthy fucking goddamn liar!” Andie yells at Blaine when he no longer wants to go to prom with her. Then HE cries. This guy is almost as bad as Duckie. ALMOST.
31. James Spader gets his ass kicked by Duckie in a slap fight. I have to assume that Spader's jangling gold watch and lack of socks put him at a disadvantage…
32. Annie Potts emerges for her date (with a stock broker-looking-mofo) dressed like an extra from ‘Miami Vice’. A white blazer with crest patch on the breast pocket is involved. “Honestly. I think you look great,” Andie says. ANNIE POTTS! LISTEN TO ME CLOSELY! DO NOT TAKE CLOTHING ADVICE FROM THIS WOMAN. You’ve looked better than her this entire movie!
33. Andie says she needs Annie Potts’ gorgeous little 50s prom dress, so she can ruin it by combining it with the WORST PINK DRESS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. There's a montage of Andie working hard on the dress and at the end of all of that hard labor, she emerges with THE WORST PINK DRESS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. God, it’s like she crawled into a lifesize condom and got choked to death by it…
The wardrobe people on this movie should be as ashamed as the people in casting that hired Annie Potts.
34. Further to my last point, the DJs at the prom are dressed kinda like Colonel Gaddafi.
35. Duckie calls Andie’s dress “breath-taking.” That it is, Duckie... That it is. Like a port-a-potty three days into a music festival.
36. Blaine finally figures out what a shit James Spader is and does his sex predator eyes all over Spader’s sockless ass. It's genuinely chilling.
37. Nobody did Blaine’s hair for this scene, so it looks like this:
I expect this from you, wardrobe and casting, but the hair team was doing SO well up to this point.
38. “I always believed in you,” Blaine tells Andie. “You just didn’t believe in me.” Way to re-write history, Blaine! (I told you he'd have a gas-lighting plan in place...)
39. Duckie, in reference to Blaine, says “You’re right. He’s not like all the others.” Are you saying that because you feel bad for his hair, Duckie? Because yours has been on point this entire time.
40. Then Duckie gets picked up by a beautiful blonde who somehow failed to notice the most conspicuous human in the whole goddamn school for the last four years.
41. Blaine and Andie make out in the parking lot with, respectively, the worst hair and worst dress at the prom.
Even if I live to be 100, I don't think I can ever subject myself to this film again.