There was a lot that I wanted to say about this before I re-watched it for the first time in 30 years. I was excited because I thought this movie was perfection when I was 8 years old and was looking forward to reliving it. But then I DID re-watch it and all of the stupid, fun wolf stuff got overshadowed by an ugly, unintentionally horrifying scene. Hold onto your furry bits everybody...
1. Scotty's BFF on the worst basketball team in the world is Chubby. As in, that is literally his name: “Chubby”. I can’t be sure but I believe Chubby is 42 years old and so used to all of the fat-shaming in his circles, he never once objects to this treatment.
2. Scotty growls at someone on the opposing team by accident. Thank Christ this is a werewolf movie, or I’d assume this was just the same high school from ‘Pump Up The Volume’, where growling is considered a legitimate form of rebellion.
3. Scotty goes to his coach and tells him he’s “going through changes” (#OzzyOsbourne) and can’t be on the team anymore. Coach assumes Scotty is talking about puberty, even though Scotty is 18 and Michael J. Fox was 24 when he made this movie. (It’s a fair mistake, I guess – he does look about 14.)
4. Scotty is walking home with some girl-next-door trope. Her name is Boof.
I’m not kidding.
No one offers an explanation about this. Is that her real name? Were her parents just assholes? Is it her last name? Did the scriptwriters just call her that because it rhymes with WOOF and this is a movie about a werewolf?
I'm so annoyed with this movie already...
5. At his dad’s hardware store, Scotty is tortured by a small boy blowing a dog whistle. It has absolutely no effect on Scotty's dad who is RIGHT THERE, even though we later find out that Papa is a werewolf too. I know I shouldn't pick holes in the werewolf movie... but some consistency in this thing would be nice.
6. In the middle of asking his crush, Pamela, out on a date, Scotty realizes his hands are covered in fur. There is a really crappy masturbation metaphor in here somewhere…
7. Scotty: “Do you know anything about a rash that’s going around?”
Annoying friend named Stiles: “No, but I heard Mr Murphy, the shop teacher, got his dick caught in a vacuum cleaner.”
WHAT DO THESE TWO THINGS HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER???
8. Stiles is now wearing a Hawaiian shirt and Kanye West College Dropout glasses, which means it's time for him to dance on top of Scotty’s moving van to Beach Boys classic, “Surfing USA”. The song lasts the entirety of their journey. How LUCKY. “You’d never catch me up there,” Scotty says after the drive is over. This means Scotty’s going to be on top of the van in about 20 minutes. I’ma time it, to make sure…
9. People wear sunglasses indoors a lot in this movie.
10. For some reason, in the middle of a houseparty, a man and a woman are covered in whipped cream, in their underwear, handcuffed together on the floor and surrounded by people yelling at them. Zero explanation is given as to what they are doing or what their fates may be. It reminds me of fucking Abu Ghraib.
11. Elsewhere at the party, a couple have been forced to swap clothes, which means this party is WILD and CRAZY. Men in women’s clothing! Women wearing ties! Whatever will the kids think up next?!
12. Scotty and Boof get locked in a closet together and make out. “Your fingernails!” Boof yells, before slapping him. As she exits, we see that she has four massive tears down the back of her shirt. That’s what you get for being called Boof, Boof.
13. Scotty goes home and transforms into his wolf self for the first time. It's like Gaz from Supergrass and Jerry Garcia had a baby. See?
14. “I’ve got a bad outside hook shot. I’m allergic to eggs. I’ve got a six dollar haircut. I have problems! I don’t need this one!”
This is the only intentionally funny line in the whole movie.
15. Stiles is allowed to wear a T-shirt to school that says “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT DICKNOSE?”
This seems even more unlikely than having a werewolf as a classmate.
16. You've arrived at the horrifying scene. I am sorry.
*deep breath* Scotty tells Stiles he needs to talk to him about something.
“Are you gonna tell me you’re a fag?" Stiles shouts completely unprompted. "Because if you’re gonna tell me you’re a fag, I just don’t think I could handle it...” (HIT HIM, SCOTT!!!)
“I’m not a fag…" Scotty casually shrugs. "I’m a werewolf.”
Stiles is immediately relieved and happy about this and gives his friend a hug. Because BEING GAY IS WORSE THAN BEING A WEREWOLF. This is the only scene I am going to be able to think about for the rest of this movie...
17. Boof is really good friends with Scotty’s dad for some unspecified reason. They hang out when Scotty’s not around and play basketball. Because that's not creepy at all!
18. (Homophobe) Scotty turns into a werewolf in the middle of a basketball game and nobody says anything. Literally not one word. Everyone pauses for a second, looks at each other, then just starts playing and cheering again. You are really fucking pushing your luck, scriptwriters.
19. Pamela is suddenly interested in (homophobe) Scotty, now she knows he’s a wolf. This absolutely, 100 per cent would never happen in a million years. Wolf boy would be popular with two groups of people: the punks (because we actively accept misfits) and the nerds (because werewolves are some comic book shit.) You think the hot girl in school wants to hump ANYONE with that much body hair? Major plot flaw, (homophobic) scriptwriters!
20. (Homophobe) Scotty is walking around and playing basketball in wolf face almost constantly. I feel like this would cause a wealth of health and safety concerns, as well as a visit from the CDC. But it’s okay! Because (homophobe) Stiles made merch!
21. First black guy in the entire movie is breakdancing in the school corridor because OF COURSE HE IS.
22. Pamela takes (homophobe) Scotty backstage at school, then takes all of her clothes off for no discernable reason. Howling is heard outside in the car park. Then they go bowling because it’s the perfect post-sex activity, amiright ladies?
23. I was wrong about how long it would take (homophobe) Scotty to dance (and, for some reason, do gymnastics) on the roof of the moving vehicle. It didn’t take 20 minutes; it took 39. Excellent show of restraint there, ‘Teen Wolf’.
24. Ironically, Scotty’s dad – Papa Werewolf – can’t say the word WOLF. He pronounces it “Woof”. It’s fucking maddening. ...Maybe it’s because he’s been hanging out with Boof too much.
25. There’s a school dance. Every male in there looks like they’re in their thirties. A path clears, the crowd chants “WOLF! WOLF! WOLF” and then (homophobe) Scotty starts a dance routine to a song titled - fucking shoot me - “Big Bad Wolf”. This scene is so bad, I don’t know whether to laugh, hide behind the couch or dance on top of a moving vehicle until I die.
26. Boof and (homophobe) Scotty make out again and she asks him to not be in wolf face for a while. They go back in and do a lot of literal side-stepping and it is, by far, the funniest thing to happen in this entire movie. By a mile.
27. Pamela’s boyfriend sees an opportunity, and goes and punches Scotty in his homophobic face. The fake punch sound effect is UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY GOLD. (Homophobe) Scotty then rips the boyfriend’s shirt off with his big wolf claws. Boof doesn't ask what this scuffle is about because finding out that (homophobe) Scotty fucked Pamela about five minutes ago would be REALLY inconvenient for the plot right now.
28. (Homophobe) Scotty has suddenly decided he doesn’t want to be the wolf anymore. “I’ve gotta be myself!” he exclaims! Look kid, you're boring as fuck either way. No one cares.
29. (Homophobe) Scotty shows up to a super important basketball game as his hairless miniature klutz self, rather than the wolf (who wins all the time). All of the terrible basketball players suddenly start playing excellently because BEING YOURSELF MAKES YOU AUTOMATICALLY ATHLETIC.
30. The song “Shooting For The Moon” (a ballad) starts playing after Scotty's team very predictably wins. Because SHOOTING = BASKETBALL and MOON = WEREWOLF.
They were super smart with this soundtrack, you guys!
31. (Homophobe) Scotty pushes Pamela out of the way to go make out with Boof. And that's... it.
Sometimes I am amazed that some scripts get turned into movies at all.