Let’s just start by noting that ‘Romancing The Stone’ is the dumbest movie title in history. What does 'Romancing The Stone' even MEAN? Is it a metaphor for Jack’s initial cold demeanor, or does it literally mean falling in love with that green piece of glass Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner eventually find at the end of this? Nope. Neither of those. It just means NOTHING. We're off to a terrible start. Go!
1. Gratuitous nipple shot literally 2 seconds in. The 1980s were a special, special time...
2. Joan Wilder wears large plaid shirts, cries while writing books, has no tissue in the house, no food in her fridge and owns a cat named Romeo. Whatta sad bitch, amiright?
3. A man on the street tries to sell Joan a toy monkey with the phrase “Your boyfriend will love it. It’s kind of kinky, know what I mean?” No, sir. Nobody knows what you mean.
4. Joan’s sister Elaine is in Colombia. Her husband has been murdered. Elaine is rushing out of her house and gets attacked by a small child who proceeds to drive away with her sports car, with her still in it. Because Colombian children are savages.
5. Elaine’s dead husband has sent a treasure map to Joan for reasons nobody ever explains. Elaine calls Joan and says she needs to bring the map to Colombia. Why can’t she just overnight that shit? I feel like you're being unreasonable, Elaine.
6. In the airport in Colombia there is a woman holding a pig. Also a fight breaks out. Because: SAVAGES.
7. Joan gets on the wrong bus and ends up in the mountains. Then the bus crashes, and the sinister man who has been following her SINCE NEW YORK pulls a gun on her. Michael Douglas (Jack) shows up and starts shooting to a degree that is frankly, unhinged.
8. Joan pays Jack $375 to guide her to Cartagena. He repays her by throwing her suitcase off a mountain and chopping the heels off her shoes. DICK. Joan will not have another pair of shoes for the rest of the movie. Poor Joan.
9. Jack and Joan get caught in some kind of mudslide. When they land at the bottom of the mountain, Jack’s face ends up right between Joan’s legs. Behold the face of a sexual predator:
10. “I could’ve been a cosmetic surgeon. 500 thou a year and up to my neck in tits and ass,” Jack mumbles to himself. Seems unlikely, but okay, Rapey!
11. Jack looks at Joan Wilder’s exposed legs and does this really creepy thing with his mouth that, again, screams rapist. It’s significantly scarier than all of the sinister Colombians who keep shooting at them for no reason. Get away from the sexual predator, Joan!
12. Joan walks into a dead body hanging out of the side of a plane. She screams, then immediately nestles her face into Jack’s manly chest, his arm muscles rippling in the rain.
Do me a fuckin’ favor.
13. Jack and Joan get in the back of the plane, build a fire OUT OF MARIJUANA and get drunk. Jack looks at an old issue of 'Rolling Stone' and says “Aw, man! The Doobie Brothers broke up! When did that happen?”
Pay attention, children. This is what life was like before the internet.
14. “What does the T. stand for?” Joan asks Jack T. Colton.
“Trustworthy,” he replies.
You could NOT get away with this script in 2017.
15. Jack and Joan make it to a village that is overrun by “drug runners.” Because: COLOMBIA. And also: SAVAGES. Then, Jack and Joan have about 8 guns pulled on them for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Also because: COLOMBIA and SAVAGES.
16. So far in this movie, a cat has been dropped from a great height, then thrown, a snake has been chopped in half, alligators have been put on leashes and a cow has genuinely had the shit scared out of it. I think maybe rules about animal cruelty in movies were a little more lax in the 1980s.
17. Joan has stopped to pick flowers with her hair all tousled. Bitch, your sister is being held HOSTAGE. Maybe get on that shit.
18. Jack and Joan stop at a hotel and Jack goes and buys them both new outfits. His is entirely white, which seems like an odd choice for a man who is supposed to be so practical he throws suitcases off mountains. Just look at these assholes:
19. Jack gives Joan a heart necklace and she grins at him a lot. Then they do a sassy little dance together. WOMAN, YOUR SISTER IS BEING HELD HOSTAGE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
20. You’ll notice I haven’t been talking about Danny DeVito at all. That’s because Danny DeVito literally does nothing in this movie. If Danny DeVito wasn’t in 'Romancing The Stone', 'Romancing The Stone''s plot would be identical. Danny DeVito is redundant.
21. Jack and Joan kiss and Michael Douglas spends the entire kiss shaking his head from side to side. EEEEEEW.
22. Jack and Joan conduct an in-depth conversation while Jack is lying DIRECTLY ON TOP OF JOAN’s NAKED BODY. Let the woman breathe, dude!
23. Joan, all high off the sexual activity and dancing, decides they should follow the treasure map. Joan does not care if her sister lives or dies.
24. “Jack. You’re the best time I’ve ever had.”
Joan STILL does not care if her sister lives or dies.
25. Joan and Jack follow the map and dig up a bunny statue. “Wait,” says Joan. “In my first book, 'Treasures of Lust', I hid the treasure inside the statue…” Well, THAT’s fucking convenient because guess what? That big green chunk of glass everyone’s after IS inside the statue! By the way, this "treasure" was in no way difficult to find. You basically had to look for a waterfall and a tree thing. That's it. Why has nobody in the history of the world EVER found it? Makes no sense.
26. “What about my sister?” Joan shouts at Jack mid-argument. Woman, you’ve made it very fucking clear at this point that you don’t give a shit about that woman – don’t use her now because it’s convenient.
27. An alligator bites off someone’s hand and it is surprisingly graphic. More than one bleeding stump shot! Hurray!
28. Everyone is Firing Machine Guns at Each Other and No One is Getting Shot should have been the title of this movie.
29. While cornered, Jack reveals that The Stone is hidden in his white pants. He thrusts around a lot, then shakes his leg until it falls out of said white pants. Is THIS the scene that’s about romancing the stone? Because of the proximity of it to Michael Douglas' penis? Must be.
30. Jack just climbed a 12-story wall using only his bare hands and white outfit. Seasoned climbers couldn’t do this shit, but he does it in about 2 minutes before LEAPING over the wall at the top like the bionic man.
31. Joan drops her passed out sister’s head onto hard concrete, potentially giving her a concussion, because Jack is about to leap back over that 12-story wall, and away.
Super Shit Sibling also could’ve been the title of this movie.
32. Jack dives into alligator-infested water on purpose, in search of the one alligator who ate that stupid green stone a minute ago. Because: totally reasonable.
33. Back in NYC, Joan is LITERALLY WEARING A CAPE and laughing at all the peasants in Manhattan that are huddled around her and trying to sell her stuff on the street. What block do you live on, lady? This is not a thing in New York. This was never a thing in New York.
34. Jack rolls up on a yacht (super fun in Manhattan traffic), wearing alligator boots because, yes, he DID find that one alligator and kill it with his bare hands. Again, this script would not be allowed in 2017.
35. “Poor fella died right in my arms,” Jack says about the animal he’s wearing on his feet.
“I don’t blame him,” Joan smiles to the man who ran off in search of money and hasn’t called her for months. “If I were to die, there’s no place else I’d rather be.” Slow your roll, Joan! Men hate this sort of shit, Joan!
36. Joan and Jack ride off into the sunset, thereby abandoning her cat to a slow, painful, starvation-related death, which is apt, given how animals have been treated for this entire film. What a pair of dicks.