Pretty sure this one doesn't need an introduction...
1. Daniel and his mom are leaving New Jersey. We know they’re of Italian descent because the very first line in the movie is: “Tony, don’t forget to tell Uncle Louis that I left the red wine and the parmesan in the refrigerator…”
Wait. You left red wine in the refrigerator? What kind of fucking monster are you, Daniel's mom?
2. Daniel is playing soccer on the beach when he spots Elizabeth Shue (Ali), who looks at least five years older than him, but – inexplicably – seems to fancy him anyway. This type of adoration seems gravely unlikely. I mean...
Macchio wouldn't get a fuckin' look in.
3. A gang of douches with impossibly blonde, feathered hair arrive on dirt bikes. The “leader”, Johnny, is wearing a black hairband and a Thriller jacket. He’s mad because Ali is hanging out with Daniel. So he rides his bike DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS, takes Ali’s gigantic boombox and smashes it, then beats up Daniel. Despite all the excitement, I remain horribly distracted the entire time because everyone in this movie is wearing mom jeans.
4. The filmmakers have worked a cheerleading scene into the movie because Elizabeth Shue can do handsprings.
5. Daniel buys Ali’s lunch and she doesn’t even say thank you. Ali is an entitled asshole.
6. Daniel’s mom: “How’s the girl situation?” Daniel: “Okay.” Daniel’s Mom: “Just okay? It looks to me like the whole world turned blonde!” ONLY BLONDE WOMEN ARE ATTRACTIVE, YOU GUYS.
7. Daniel is accosted by the Feather Hair Bandits and thrown down a hill with his BMX. At home, he throws his bicycle in a dumpster and tells his mother that he “just has to do karate!” because: PLOT.
8. If there was a 'Worst Dressed Scene in Movie History' Award, this one would win it. Daniel is wearing camo pants and a brown checked shirt (tucked in) and Ali is wearing a bubblegum pink ensemble with white knee high socks and a yellow thing on her head. Jesus effin’ Christ, wardrobe people…
9. Mr. Miyagi fixes Daniel’s bike, then shows him his bonsai trees. I am genuinely sorry this isn’t a euphemism for something more interesting.
10. It’s the first “Daniel-san” of the movie! Hurray!
11. The wisdom of Mr. Miyagi Pt. 1: “To make honey, young bee need young flower, not old prune.” K.
12. Mr. Miyagi wants to know why Daniel isn’t at the Halloween dance. Daniel is scared of the Feather Hair Bandits. So Mr. Miyagi dresses Daniel up AS A SHOWER. That’s not conspicuous at all. Well done, geniuses.
13. Ali recognizes Daniel even though he looks like this:
“I don’t know what she sees in him,” Ali’s friends say. We are all Ali's friends...
14. Johnny is rolling a joint in a bathroom stall, so Daniel soaks him with a hose, runs outside, CAUSES A LITERAL CAR CRASH (which no one – including the drivers – say anything about), then gets chased down by the Feather Hair Bandits, who are all dressed like evil skeletons (#SYMBOLISM). They beat the shit out of him. Then Mr. Miyagi arrives and beats the shit out of them. How long is this movie again?
15. Daniel asks Mr. Miyagi what kind of belt he has. Miyagi replies: “Canvas. JC Penny. $3.98. In Okinawa, belt mean no need rope to hold up pants.” *smashes head into wall*
16. The Feather Hair Bandits are in karate class with a man we know is bad because he is wearing all black and has a tattoo. Evil Sensei makes a deal with Miyagi for the Feather Hairs to leave Daniel alone until the upcoming karate tournament. I am so very depressed that these grown men have absolutely nothing better to do with their time…
17. The wisdom of Mr. Miyagi Pt. 2: “Win lose don’t matter. You make good fight, earn respect, then nobody bother.” Mr. Miyagi is super wise, but has never mastered the art of completing sentences because: RACISM.
18. Mr. Miyagi’s hot rod game would put a Las Vegas-based Social Distortion fan to shame.
19. Almost every time Mr. Miyagi is on screen panpipes play in the background. Because ORIENTAL.
20. Johnny sees Daniel and Ali walking together and shouts “Must be Take a Worm For a Walk week!” Were insults in the 1980s always this old-timey? Next thing you know, the Bandits will be all “Why you chicken-hearted blunderbuss!” and “You’re a nincompoop, Daniel!” and "I'll tell ya, he's a scoundrel, that's what!"
21. Daniel meets Ali’s fancy parents. “These are my parents,” Ali says. “Mr. and Mrs. Mills.” Then Ali meets Daniel’s mom who says “You can call me Lucille.” POOR PEOPLE ARE NICER THAN RICH PEOPLE ALWAYS.
22. This montage of Daniel and Ali doing a variety of activities at the mini golf center is comedy freakin’ GOLD.
23. Daniel is in Mr. Miyagi’s sculptured, perfect garden. “And I thought Chung Lee’s Chinese restaurant was nice!” Daniel exclaims. Ditch this kid, Miyagi. You’ve told him you’re Japanese like 12 times at this point…
24. The wisdom of Mr. Miyagi Pt. 3: “Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.” Um... I don't think that's a thing, Mr. Miyagi...
25. Daniel has hurt his arm, so Mr. Miyagi rubs his hands together, then touches Daniel’s arm. This makes all of the pain go away because ASIANS ARE MAGIC.
26. Mr. Miyagi proves the efficacy of the wax-on-wax-off, sand-my-floors, paint-the-fence, paint-the-house training method, by randomly throwing punches at Daniel. DANIEL KNOWS HOW TO DO THE KARATE NOW, YOU GUYS! Doing chores teaches you stuff!
27. OMG, Benny from 'LA Law' is in a scene where Mr. Miyagi karate chops three beer bottles in half using only the side of his hand. I do not believe that is possible, from a physics standpoint, but BENNY IS HERE! WEARING A WALGREEN’S CAP FOR SOME REASON! PRODUCT PLACEMENT AND BENNY! HURRAY!
28. “Power whole body, one inch here,” Mr. Miyagi says pointing to Daniel’s knuckles. “What are you? Some kind of girl or something?” Apparently the trick to getting Mr. Miyagi to complete a sentence is giving him something sexist to say.
29. Daniel has tracked down Ali to apologize to her for getting angry about the fact that he caught her dancing with Johnny. Sticking to her entitled schtick, Ali is super-mad at HIM even though she is 100% in the wrong. I do suspect her mood might be related to the fact that she’s wearing purple mom pants that are giving her a serious wedgy. I’d be pissed too, Ali. I’d be pissed too.
30. Daniel shows Ali the awesome yellow, convertible hot rod Mr. Miyagi gave him (!!!) for his birthday. “You want ME to drive?” she exclaims. “Hey, it’s the 80s!” Daniel replies, smiling. WOMEN ARE ALLOWED TO DRIVE NOW. THANK YOU FOR THIS PRIVILEGE YOU ARE BESTOWING UPON US, MENS.
31. There is something super homoerotic about the Feather Hair Bandits. I’m quietly into it… I mean...
32. At the tournament, Daniel loses his first two rounds BECAUSE HE’S NEVER FOUGHT WITH A HUMAN BEFORE. Looking at you, Miyagi, you shit fucking teacher.
33. “You’re the Best Around” by Joe Esposito is literally the greatest montage music ever made. Behold:
34. Oh look! The movie’s first black characters (non-speaking parts, obviously) have arrived one hour and fifty minutes into the movie! Happy now, African Americans?
35. When did the tournament folks have time to whip up these logos next to all the fighter’s names on the score board? The logos match the back of everyone’s individual outfits. Daniel was given his outfit YESTERDAY. Speedy work, tournament people. Your attention to detail and efficiency is astonishing.
36. Pretty sure one of the Feather Hair Bandits 100% smokes meth. Spoiler alert. It's this guy:
37. The Feather Hair Bandits are starting to turn on their Sensei via the means of side-eye. Are we supposed to like them now?! Do me a favour...
38. “Sweep the leg, Johnny” isn’t a real line! It’s actually “Sweep the leg. No mercy.” Thanks for lying to us all these years, obscure emo band, Sweep The Leg, Johnny!
39. Final shot of the movie is Mr. Miyagi smiling proudly at Daniel for winning the competition. Why did nobody in the make-up department think of powdering the man’s face before this shot? Now, my final memory of this film will be the sweaty forehead of an old man. Sorry everyone... If I have to look at it, so do you: