I realize this is hard to believe, but I have never in my life seen Top Gun. This is on account of the fact that military shit bores the absolute crap out of me and I fucking DESPISE Tom Cruise. Keeping my fingers crossed that there's enough Kenny Loggins and homoerotic nonsense to keep me interested.
1. Planes are flying, men are running in slow motion, there's a shit ton of dry ice, "Danger Zone" is playing and I am already bored out of my mind. Save me, Kenny Loggins!
2. I do not love a man in uniform. Now I just can't tell anyone apart. Except... is that fucking Tim Robbins?! I'm pretty sure Tim Robbins was just in this movie for, like, three minutes.
3. Flying, flying, flying, yadda, yadda, yadda. Don't care, don't care, don't care.
4. Tom Cruise (Maverick) and the lanky doctor from E.R. (Goose) are being sent to a 5-week "Top Gun" training course. It is impossible to care about anything happening in this movie.
5. In the first combat flying lesson, one pretty boy turns to another one in the classroom and says "This gives me a hard on." His friend responds "Don't tease me." Alright, Top Gun... I've waited almost 17 minutes for some homoeroticism. You finally have my attention. You'd better keep this shit comin'.
6. Maverick keeps looking over his shoulder at Val Kilmer. Val Kilmer does something seductive with his pen and smiles at Cruise. Bone! Bone! Bone! Bone!
7. Maverick and Goose go to a club in their crisp white uniforms. Seems like a terrible idea from a laundry perspective. "Now this is what I call a target-rich environment," Maverick says. COVER YOUR DRINKS LADIES, TOM CRUISE IS COMING FOR YOU. #Terrifying
8. Val Kilmer (Iceman) is wearing aviator glasses in the club. What a twat.
9. Goose says "The list is long and distinguished," about something inane, and another pilot says "So is my johnson."
I mean... WHAT? Who talks like this?
10. Maverick spots Kelly McGillis (Charlie) across the bar, steals a conveniently placed microphone, then he and Goose start singing "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" at her and every pilot in the vicinity just conveniently joins in. "Sit down," she says, patting the seat next to her. "I love that song." A man definitely wrote this movie.
11. Charlie bids Maverick adieu and sits at a table with another man. Maverick watches her from afar and when she leaves to go to the bathroom, HE FOLLOWS HER IN THERE LIKE A PSYCHOPATH. "What do you wanna do?" Charlie asks. "Just drop right down on the tile and go for it?" A man definitely wrote this movie.
12. Charlie is teaching Maverick's class. She is an astrophysicist who works at the Pentagon. Three seconds into her lesson, Cruise corrects her on something. She enjoys this hideous bout of mansplaining so much, she approaches him afterwards and asks him out. A man definitely wrote this movie.
13. Oh god. More bloody flying.
14. Val Kilmer has a large mole on the side of his face that I've never noticed before. So every time he's on screen now, all I can think about is how annoying it must be to shave around that thing. Poor 1986 Val Kilmer.
15. While we're on aesthetics, I've just noticed that this film is the mid-point between Tom "Totally Jacked Up Teeth" Cruise (see: The Outsiders) and Tom "These Are So Perfect They Might Even Be False Teeth" Cruise (see: Mission Impossible). Here's a step-by-step for convenience:
16. It's the motherfuckin' volleyball scene, set to Kenny Loggins classic "Playing With the Boys" -- aka one of the most unintentionally homoerotic things to ever happen on screen. I cannot convey the beauty of this thing with words, so fuck it... just watch it:
17. A bunch of stuff where Maverick and Charlie look at each other sideways and say things like "This is going to get complicated" and "I don't invite students to my home" and... God, I do not care about any of these people.
18. Goose's wife just showed up and it's MEG freakin' RYAN (who is adorable and, frankly, a sight for sore eyes at this point). So that scene in the club earlier where Maverick tells Goose "Even you could get laid in a place like this," was actually FUCKING HORRIBLE. Also, they have a kid.
19. Something complicated is happening in pilot school. We know because Charlie has glasses on that she has literally never needed before.
20. Iceman is wearing his aviators in another very dark room. What a twat.
21. During a class, Charlie makes a very valid criticism of something Maverick did in his plane the other day, so he has a massive sulk like a giant baby on a motorcycle. (This guy is the fucking WORST.) But, true to form -- and because a man definitely wrote this movie -- Charlie chases Maverick home, almost causing 3 car crashes on the way, and says "I just don't want anyone to know that I am falling for you." Come to my house and shoot me in the face because I am done watching this complete and utter bollocks.
22. Welcome to the most annoying sex scene in history. There's a white curtain billowing behind them, so we know it's supposed to be erotic, but they're doing that annoying thing where it looks like they're going to kiss, but then they just brush against each other's mouths for a while, like tickly half contact is fun on some level. (It is not.) Then Tom Cruise lays Kelly McGillis down in slow motion and licks her top lip a lot. It's fucking horrible. Then there's some slow "making love" nonsense (all missionary, all close ups of Tom's back). Never in the history of the world has a couple's first time having sex looked like THIS.
23. Charlie wakes up with her hair perfectly swept to one side, sheet perfectly folded tightly around her chest, with one arm stretched upwards over her head. She is wearing grey eyeshadow, foundation and coral lipstick. This is what women are supposed to look like first thing in the morning after a night of humping. Next to her is a paper airplane with a note on it. I hope it says "THIS MOVIE IS LYING ABOUT WHAT WOMEN LOOK LIKE AFTER SEX." Truth is, even Kelly McGillis would look sweaty as hell, her hair would be tangled as fuck, the sheet would be a crumpled mess, there would be eyeliner on the pillow and used condoms somewhere within her eyeline. Top Gun is bollocks.
24. Iceman is lecturing Maverick in the locker room. "You are dangerous and foolish," he says. Maverick, wearing only a white towel, leans into where Goose is sitting, also wearing only a towel, and cocks his leg up on the bench. Goose don't wanna see your junk, Maverick. Put it away.
25. Goose and Maverick are in a bar singing "Great Balls of Fire" while Charlie and Meg Ryan (Carol) watch on from a table."Take me to bed or lose me forever!" Carol shouts, in front of her 4-year-old son. Um... NO.
26. Flying stuff, plane spinning, plane falling. I have no idea what's going on. Goose and Maverick use ejector seats and land in water. Goose's face is all bloody.
27. Tom Cruise is wearing massive underpants. What up, HANES FOR MEN?
28. Goose is dead even though they were in the same plane and Maverick doesn't have a scratch on him. Makes sense.
29. More fucking flying bollocks. How long is this movie again?
30. Maverick has quit because he's sad about Goose. Charlie finds him and says:"When I first met you, you were larger than life." When you first met him?! What? Three fucking weeks ago? Come on, Charlie. You're better than this, Charlie.
31. This backstory about Maverick's dad being a crazy pilot is really fucking boring.
32. Charlie moves to Washington D.C., Maverick has enough points to graduate, Iceman wins a trophy, then off they all go for some flying bullshit, some shooting and a small explosion. There is also cheering backed by the soaring electric guitar solo we've been listening to on and off for the last hour and 40 minutes.
33. "You can be my wingman anytime,"Iceman tells Maverick. Oh, just fuck and get it over with, you two.
34. Maverick becomes an instructor at Top Gun and Charlie shows up because she heard it's where "the best of the best would be." Bitch, if you just left your job for this clown, I'ma kill you.
35. It's a side note but literally everyone (with the sole exception of Kelly McGillis) has been super sweaty throughout this entire movie and it's been hella off-putting, and kinda gross, the entire time. Lord only knows what this looked like on a big screen.