You know how Showtime and HBO are supposed to represent high brow and prestige TV? Splash is currently streaming on Showtime. Make of that what you will. Here goes nothin'!
1. 20 years ago, Alan (Tom Hanks) fell off a boat in Cape Cod and saw a tiny girl mermaid for about three seconds. I don't understand why this scene is necessary. Why do they have to have met before?
2. A shot of the New York skyline pops up, captioned "New York, This Morning." [*cough* Twin Towers are in the shot *cough*]
3. Alan's brother Freddie (played by John Candy) is a sexual predator. He has been looking up women's skirts since childhood (and is still doing so), he literally chases women around bars, and just had a story titled "A Lesbian No More" printed in Penthouse. I dislike Freddie enormously.
4. Alan's girlfriend just left him. "She left because I didn't love her," he says. "That bitch," says Freddie.
5. Alan takes a cab to Cape Cod because the water makes him feel better. This makes no sense because (a) Cape Cod is 300 miles away and Penn Station is RIGHT FUCKING THERE, BRO, and (b) Dude can't swim. What non-swimming person is comforted by the water?
6. Ohmygod, Eugene Levy is in this. He's the evil mermaid scientist, Dr. Walter Kornbluth.
7. Alan falls in the water and gets knocked out by a boat. When he wakes up on the beach, naked Daryl Hannah is spying on him. They make out for a second, then -- get ready for this preposterous series of events -- she runs into the water, swims away, finds his wallet at the bottom of the ocean and (dear God) looks up his address on a map inside a conveniently placed sunken ship. Just sit with that for a minute.
8. Daryl Hannah wanders out of the water naked on Liberty Island and everyone loses their goddamn minds. The cops look at Alan's wallet and call him to come get her. This is the most preposterous movie ever made.
9. Daryl Hannah's hair is perfectly crimped and it is FABULOUS.
10. Alan has a massive fish tank built into the wall of his apartment, like everyone did in the 1980s. Daryl Hannah waves and smiles at the fish. Dude. Pretty sure that's not how a mermaid would react to what is essentially Fish Prison.
11. Daryl Hannah is, as the kids would say, #ThirstyAF. And she doesn't talk. So Alan falls in love with her instantly, because what's better than a nymphomaniac woman who doesn't speak?
12. Bloomingdales staff member to Daryl Hannah: "My daughter is lucky. She's anorexic."
There are no words.
13. Daryl Hannah has learned English by watching television in Bloomingdales for six hours, so she talks in slogans. It's actually pretty funny.
14. She has to go back to the ocean in six days, "when the moon is full" or she can never go back.
Well, that seems fucking arbitrary!
15. Alan has the largest bathtub in all of New York City. How convenient!
16. Alan gives Madison (she's named herself now) a gift from Tiffany's. She looks at the blue box, kisses it, and says "It's beautiful!" I did a LOL. This movie is pretty great sometimes.
17. Freddie is playing squash with a cigarette in his mouth and a cooler of beer with him. Reminds me of me in High School! (...Also: now...)
18. Alan comes home to find that Madison has bought him a massive mermaid statue that is literally 50 times larger than the doorway. No questions asked about how it got inside. Alan and Madison exchange "I Love You"s after two days of knowing each other. The person who wrote this script has never dated a man.
19. Eugene Levy running around New York with buckets of water trying to catch Madison and turn her into a mermaid, is the subplot that nobody needed.
20. "I know you have some big secret you feel like you can't tell me. What is it? You're already married? You're dying? You were once a man? I don't care!" Splash is hella progressive compared to everything else on this website from 1984.
21. Alan proposes, Madison says no, Alan throws a tantrum, Madison is bullied into saying "Yes." Shortly afterwards, she says she needs to tell him everything before they can get married, so, naturally, Alan insists they get married THAT NIGHT, even though she is visibly distressed at the prospect. Alan is a pushy, possessive dickhole.
22. Eugene Levy finally succeeds in throwing water on Madison. She turns into a mermaid in the middle of the street. She cries out for Alan, gets dragged away by security and bundled into a car. He does nothing. Alan is kind of the worst.
23. Alan and Madison are in some sort of government lab in a giant water tank. He won't let her touch him. ALAN IS DEFINITELY THE WORST.
24. Madison is getting sick in the government lab. Her tail is all flaky and she's doing a sad face. Eugene Levy is feeling remorseful. He calls another doctor a "sadistic pig," then takes Alan and Freddie to the lab, which happens to be conveniently located in the basement of the frickin' Natural History Museum. But of course!
25. Multiple army trucks chase Madison, Alan and Eugene Levy through Manhattan in a high speed car chase. Where the shit did the army come from at such incredibly short notice?
26. At the water's edge, Alan and Madison agree that she must go, as the army closes in. Madison explains that Alan can go too and be "safe under the water"as long as he is with her.
Oh, come the fuck on...
27. Alan hasn't considered the fact that Madison has a tail full-shitting-time under the water, meaning zero vagina access. I assume the reason Madison is so frisky on land is because that's the only time she can bone. So living aquatically means a life of celibacy. Alan jumps in anyway like a fucking idiot.
28. I don't know which is less believable: the fact that Alan can, all of a sudden, both swim AND breathe underwater, OR, the fact that these two just jumped into the East River and are instantly surrounded by coral, beautiful yellow fish and, oh yeah, fucking ATLANTIS. No one at the bottom of the East River has ever made these faces:
The only thing I'm sure of is that this is definitely the dumbest movie in history.