I should note that I am only re-watching this because people have asked me to MovieRuin it so many times, I just need to get it out of the way. Pretty sure this is going to involve my skin crawling a lot.
1. Gary and Wyatt are standing in the doorway of the Shermer High School gym perving on girls in leotards. (You might recall that The Breakfast Club is also set in Shermer High.) There is something inherently creepy about John Hughes' male gaze here -- dude really loved objectifying high school-aged girls and wasn't even ashamed about it.
2. Gary and Wyatt are watching Frankenstein, when Gary suggests "making a girl" with Wyatt's extraordinarily basic 1985 computer. Good luck with that, buddy.
3. After spending a long time choosing a breast size for this 2-D woman (and yes, we have to watch animatronic breasts increasing and decreasing in size for an excruciatingly long time), Gary wonders aloud, "Should we give her a brain?" We are 8 minutes and 53 seconds into this thing and I've already lost the will to live.
4. The graphics on Wyatt's computer very much remind me of weird, 1980s British TV show, Knightmare. Which for the uninitiated amongst you, looked like this:
5. Wyatt and Gary feed newspaper clippings into a floppy disc hole because so few people understood computers in 1985, this probably seemed reasonable. Way to kill your $3,000 computer, dude. Then they put 1950s bras on their heads and a doll between jumper cables, on top of a Game of Life (#Symbolism.) So naturally, the sky turns red, the house gets covered in lightning, a neighbor's dog ends up sitting upside down on the ceiling (pretty sure that's how we ended up with THIS) and the "Welcome to Shermer" sign goes up in flames. This movie is 10 times dumber than Splash.
6. A door explodes and reveals Lisa, looking like this, because this is how attractive women stand and dress:
Then the three of them take a shower together. *eyeroll*
7. Gary and Wyatt put on blazers and striped ties, but when they walk out of the bedroom, blue lightning changes their hideous suits into DIFFERENT hideous suits.
8. Lisa drives the boys to a blues bar in her pink Cadillac convertible (she has this car because she "can get whatever [she] want[s].") Once there, she, Gary and Wyatt drink with a bunch of older men, including the janitor from The Breakfast Club, who is, on this occasion, playing a South American stereotype, despite being very much a white dude. (Did they draw fucking stubble on him here?!):
9. Gary gets drunk, puts on the hat in the photo above, does a really offensive "black person in the 1970s" accent and regales the table with a story about a girl he liked, on account of her "big titties."
Weird Science is basically a hate crime.
10. Lisa finds 15-year-old Wyatt outside and makes out with him in a slow and repulsive manner. Kelly LeBrock was 25 when this movie was made. Soooo... child molestation, then. "You made me. You control me," she says. This scene literally just made me nauseous.
11. The school bullies (one of which is Robert Downey Junior) dump an Icee on Gary and Wyatt's heads at the mall. Their hot girlfriends, Deb and Hilly, are momentarily mad, then get over it because: GIRLS, or something. Two minutes later, the bullies chase Lisa up an escalator to the alarming sounds of "Pretty Woman," as performed by Van Halen. (Now, there's a cover the world didn't fuckin' need.)
12. I am super-duper into this outfit:
13. Gary takes Lisa to meet his parents. There is talk of "tossing off" in bathrooms, a gun threat and an argument. It is the only scene in the entire movie that I actually like, primarily because in the 1980s, my sisters and I used to yell this line at each other, oh, around every five minutes:
14. There is a gigantic party at Wyatt's house. The mall bullies show up and greet one of the men from the blues club (who seems to have been hired as a bartender) like so: "Hey brother! What's happ'nin' my main man!"
I know it's SUPPOSED to be bad, but that doesn't make it any easier to watch...
15. Wyatt and Gary are hiding in the bathroom and Deb and Hilly go in there to hang out for reasons that do not make any sense.
16. Outside, the following exchange is happening.
Lisa: "I belong to Gary and Wyatt."
Bully: "They own you? Control you? Seriously?"
Bully: "And you're completely loyal to them?"
Lisa: "I do whatever they say."
This is a movie that's supposed to be about wish fulfillment, but is actually about sexual slavery. SUPER FUN, YOU GUYS!
17. The bullies are apologizing to Gary and Wyatt over the Icee incident. One of them says:"So what's the deal with Lisa? Is it cool if we borrow her?"
"We want to make a deal," the bully continues. "You let us have a crack with Lisa, and we'll let you have Deb and Hilly."
Dear women of the world, men can trade us like cattle and, just, like, be cool, K? Kelly LeBrock is the coolest thing in this movie and she's FINE with it, so just lighten up, K? K.
18. Gary and Wyatt go about creating a new woman for the bullies. I find myself praying that they'll fucking blow themselves up even though I know that isn't going to happen because I've seen this movie 30 times and it never does.
19. One of the teen boy extras at the party is this dude from CSI. The truly bizarre thing about me recognizing him in his younger form is that I don't even WATCH CSI.
20. Weird shit is afoot because the boys are making a woman again. The sky is red, the kitchen (and everyone in it) just turned blue, a couple in a photo just came to life and started dancing, and a girl slides up the wall of the bathroom, legs akimbo, in order to give us a gratuitous flash of her underwear. Because it's not a fucking John Hughes movie unless we see some adolescent girl's white underpants. (See also: 16 Candles, The Breakfast Club). I fucking hate you, John Hughes.
21. A girl playing the piano downstairs watches on as all the furniture in the room gets sucked up out of the room, via the chimney. Rather than leaving, she grabs a window handle and has her clothes ripped off in slow motion, one item at a time, by the "breeze." She ends up topless and shot out of the chimney, into some sort of lake. Hilarious, amiright?
22. After a missile has sprung up in the middle of the house (because they forgot to hook up the doll in the girl-making experiment), Wyatt's grandparents arrive, try to break up the party, so Lisa does this to them. Chilling:
23. In order to build Gary and Wyatt's self confidence, Lisa sends a gang of motorcycle mutants to the house. The regular bullies get scared and leave, abandoning Hilly and Deb in the process. ("Girls, shmirls," Robert Downey Junior says... I think maybe that could've been the title of this movie.) Gary and Wyatt prove what big men they are by calling a female mutant a "bitch" and a male one a "faggot." This movie is so fucking exhausting on so many fucking levels.
24. The party cleans out, leaving only Hilly and Deb, who get paired up with Gary and Wyatt according to coordinating hair color. "Can I ask you something kind of strange?" Hilly asks Wyatt. "Will you kiss me?"
Never in a million years would this occur because:
25. There's a gratuitous police chase as Gary drives Deb home. Did I mention how exhausting this movie is?
26. Also. This? Nope!
27. Just when you think shit can't get any more inane, Lisa turns Wyatt's evil big brother (Bill Paxton!) into this:
28. Lisa says goodbye and disappears into a literal cloud of smoke. Is she dead now? Is there a cache of women in a void somewhere just waiting for teenage boys to "invent" them? Does anybody care? Nope. No they don't. Because 15-year-old white boys having girlfriends is the most important thing of all of the things.
29. It's all okay though, because not only does the house magically repair itself when Lisa leaves, she shows up three minutes later in Shermer High School gym looking like this:
John Hughes makes a special point to do a super-slow, foot to head male-gaze shot, just so we can objectify Kelly LeBrock for 10 seconds longer. John Hughes was a super classy guy.
30. They don't make them like they used to and we should all be eternally grateful for that.