The only introduction I feel like giving this, is that IT WAS DIRECTED BY LEONARD NIMOY. Spock did this shit, yo. So, let's get into it.
1. The opening titles of Three Men and a Baby are soundtracked by a Miami Sound Machine song in which the opening refrain is: "Boys will be boys/ Bad boys, bad boys." You're better than this, Gloria Estefan.
2. The opening montage is literally four and a half minutes of watching Steve Guttenberg, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. making out with a bunch of different women. They do it in elevators! They do it when they're reading! They do it after jogging! They do it when they're putting concrete on walls! (I 100% am not making up that last one.) We get it, already. There are three men living together and THEY'RE NOT GAY.
3. The credits have just informed me that this movie is based on Trois Hommes et un Couffin. How have I lived my whole life without knowing this masterpiece of French cinema existed?
Nice jazz hand, red shirt.
Also, can we talk about how close the French word for "cradle" is to the English word for "coffin"? Pas bon, monsieur.
4. Peter (Tom Selleck) is having a birthday party. When Michael (Steve Guttenberg) asks the lady Peter is dating what she sees in him, she says "He's got the most amazing..." THEN GRABS MICHAEL'S JUNK. We are only five minutes into this thing and a man just got sexually assaulted by his roommate's girlfriend.
Three Men and a Baby is dark as fuck.
5. Jack (Ted Danson): "You look different. What happened?"
Woman at party: "I've got clothes on."
Jack: "Oh yeah! That's it!"
6. Jack, Peter and Michael: "So many women, so little time." Jesus Christ, Three Men and a Baby, labor the point much? It's funny because nobody dressed like Ted Danson is in this scene, has ever got laid in the history of the world.
7. The next morning, Jack (an actor) goes off to Turkey to make a movie, and the other two find the baby on the doorstep. According to the note, Jack is her father. I cannot concentrate on anything right now because Tom Selleck is basically dressed like this and nobody is talking about it:
8. Not being funny, but if you reach a point where baby abandonment seems like the only option, and you still take the time out to leave a note with the infant, wouldn't it be pertinent to also leave, say, some MILK? A toy, perhaps? Some instructions? This mother just knowingly ditched a 7-month-old kid on three childless humans with zero instructions, in the age before the internet. Also, Jack is out of town for a week. What if they all were? Dead baby on the doorstep, anyone?
Someone call child services on this monster.
9. Last night, Michael put on a LITERAL PUPPET SHOW for a grown woman in his room. Now there's an actual baby in front of him, he's waving an ashtray in her face and (no, really) flashing his hairy chest at her.
Michael is a poorly written shell of a character.
10. If you have an aversion to the sound of crying babies to the degree that I do (I literally didn't get in an elevator today because there was a baby in it), the first part of this movie is almost impossible to watch.
11. The diaper-changing scene shows a lot of baby butt and vagina and it's just occurred to me that you literally never see naked infants in movies anymore. I know why and everything, but holy shit, what a dark fucking world we live in now.
12. Peter invites his almost-girlfriend over and asks her baby questions. She quite rightly points out that just because she's a woman doesn't mean she knows about babies. I think this scene is supposed to be progressive. (It probably was in 1987? I was 9 at the time. I have no real grasp of this.)
13. Two men show up at the front door and ask for their package (this is in reference to one that was delivered a couple of days ago, that Jack agreed to take delivery of as a favor to a friend.) Peter and Michael have forgotten about that package, so give the two drug dealers A BABY.
14. "Her next bottle's in 45 minutes. I made it up already, it's in the basket. 20 minutes after she eats, she gets tired. Put her to bed. I'm getting you a can of powdered milk. And she likes to be rocked to sleep. Gently." Peter is doing all of this after taking care of the baby for 5 days. I'll remind you that the baby's mother left nothing behind with her child at all.
I'll say it again: Three Men and a Baby is dark as fuck.
15. Peter finds the package, realizes his mistake and chases the gangsters down. He trips in the lobby, the package breaks open and tons of tiny baggies of heroin fall out. Peter gets Baby Mary back without handing the drugs over to the dealers. I won't even bore you with the details of that whole thing because it will get us nowhere.
16. Comedian and ex-SNL cast member Colin Quinn is in this for about three seconds, as a newspaper vendor.
(Don't worry. He's not funny in this either.)
17. Tom Selleck's mustache really is spectacular. Look how thick and lustrous it is!
18. There's a scene just over an hour in, when Jack is introducing his mother to Mary, and they walk past what is (now quite transparently) a cardboard cutout of a teenage boy. When the movie first came out, there was a story that did the rounds that it was actually the ghost of a boy who died when he fell out of the window of the New York apartment this was filmed in. (I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how these stories even got around before the internet existed.) Anyway, I was told this story when I was 9 or 10 and so this very innocuous scene freaked me the hell out for YEARS.
Almost three decades later and watching it again, I just got FULL CHILLS because the childhood part of my brain still thinks that cardboard cutout is THE GHOST OF A DEAD BOY. Also... shut up, everyone. The cardboard nature of the thing was much less obvious on VHS, I swear.
19. Jack tries to palm Mary off on his mother and she tells him where to shove it. I am really refreshed by the fact that the women in this movie are all like "Nah, mate. I'm good. Keep your fuckin' baby."
20. Remember the drug dealers? They've started making demands, threatening violence and threatening to kidnap Mary if the men don't hand the drugs over. The men come up with a foolproof plan to get the dealers arrested, that involves gratuitously dressing Ted Danson up as a PREGNANT WOMAN. Guess what? The baby bump is THE ACTUAL BABY! What an ingenious plan! These are three grown, professional men who can afford an enormous apartment overlooking Central Park and catering staff at all their parties, but THEY CAN'T GET A BABYSITTER BEFORE THEY GO SEE THE VIOLENT DRUG DEALERS TONIGHT.
21. Observe the following scene:
First and most importantly, men with babies are NOT chick-magnets. At all. There isn't a woman on God's green Earth who's ever seen a man with a 7-month-old infant and gone "Man, what I wouldn't give to get in the mix with THAT WHOLE MESS! I can't wait for our hot, new-relationship bang sessions to be interrupted by A BABY CRYING. All this baby shit and milk puke I'm gonna be dealing with will totally be worth it! I'm also totally sure there won't be any issues at all with this child's BABY MAMA!"
Not EVEN for Tom Selleck's mustache. Do you hear me?
Secondly, what the fuck is up with this Peter Cetera song? Is it about an actual child? Or is he infantalizing a grown woman he's in a relationship with? Either way, it's:
(a) creepy as fuck, and,
(b) a solid reminder of just how freakin' literal '80s soundtracks liked to be. Get me out of this scene already.
22. Peter is on a building site with Mary who is wearing a tiny pink hardhat. Come on, Peter. You're better than this, Peter. If a brick falls on Mary's head, she's fucking dead and that shitty bit of plastic ain't gonna do nothin' and you know it. You're an architect, for Chrissakes. Pay for a babysitter, you cheap fuck.
23. Um, Jack is wearing a man-night-gown. Well... it's either a man night-gown or a Justin Bieber special. Exhibit A:
24. Ring at the doorbell. "I'm Sylvia. Mary's mother. I've come to get her." Oh, you can fuck off and die, lady. Seriously. What an insufferable asswipe. Call the cops, someone! The baby dumper is here! And she's taking her infant to London TONIGHT! Seems totally fine. Sure. Give the unstable foreign lady a baby, like she might not just drown both of them in a bathtub tonight.
25. To express his sadness over Mary leaving, Jack stands in front of a mirror with a pillow shoved up his sweater and poses like he's pregnant.
No cis-gendered man in the history of the world has ever done this.
26. I don't know what New York airport the men are supposed to be running around right now, because it's way too nice to be any of the shitholes in New York.
27. Having been unable to stop Sylvia's flight (pre-911 airport scenes really are so quaint), the men get home sad and dejected, only to find -- surprise! -- the unstable mother is back and sitting on their doorstep crying! So they ask her to move in! ...You might wanna lock up the sharp objects, fellas...