I did the first one, so now I'm contractually obliged to do the second one.
1. It's the movie opener montage! And three men, a baby and a psychotic British lady are moving into a brand new apartment. They celebrate this by having a drink, but holy continuity error! They pour it from an orange juice carton, but all somehow end up drinking milk. Great start, Three Men and a Little Lady. Great start.
2. Wait. Baby Mary just turned into a 5-year-old. That was an extraordinarily efficient montage.
3. "You can't have more than one father living with you at a time," a little boy tells Mary. "That's the law."
NOT ANYMORE, YOU LITTLE SHIT! BOOM!
4. During an interview for Mary's new school, the men are asked if they're gay. Their overzealous response reeks so strongly of toxic masculinity and homophobia, I can only imagine that Tom Selleck's mustache has been clouded in shame ever since.
5. Sylvia (the baby dumper from the original movie) is dating a theater director named Edward. We know he's evil because:
(a) British. Duh.
(b) He tosses a drawing Mary did to one side, having barely looked at it, and,
(c) He says the word "horny."
Like "jerk" and "dork", British people should never, ever use the word "horny".
6. Sylvia is telling the men how to make a woman feel special. Unprompted, Peter declares: "Well, I think women want security."
I love it when pre-Millennial mansplaining is caught on tape.
7. Mary's maternal grandmother asks if she would like a pre-sleep lullaby. Mary says "I want a rap song." Then THIS happens.
NB: Steve Guttenberg doesn't do so bad (I feel like Ad-Rock probably has a cousin somewhere doing this exact same thing), but what you're about to see Ted Danson and Tom Selleck doing is about two steps away from being a hate crime.
8. The uptight posh English grandmother tells Sylvia that a romance with Peter would never work because "Some men are no good with their feelings -- they can't open up."
I am now 100% positive that no British people were consulted during the writing of this script. Feelings were bred out of the English upper classes, many eons ago.
9. Sylvia has decided to marry Edward The Evil Englishman and move her and Mary to London. Because the most responsible thing to do for your 5-year-old is remove her from the three men she calls "Dad" and simultaneously move her thousands of miles away to a totally foreign environment.
If they'd called child services on this monster in the first movie, we wouldn't be having this problem...
10. Peter asks Evil Edward some very sensible questions about how fit he is to be a parent and Monster Mom loses her shit over it. Peter responds: "Yeah? Well, I didn't leave my baby on someone's doorstep when she was six-months old." He gets slapped for it, but honestly, I am SO glad someone said it. This household doesn't talk about that nearly as much as they should.
11. After Sylvia and Mary leave, the men throw a party.
Jack: "I'll take the brunettes."
Michael: "I'll take the blondes."
Peter: "I guess that leaves me with the redheads."
Even if you can somehow ignore the flagrant objectification of women that just occurred, it's impossible not to wonder why Peter would agree to a night of such incredibly limited lady options. You're not in Scotland, Peter.
12. As Michael and Peter arrive in England, there are a series of British stereotypes involving small cars, country lanes, incomprehensible directions and a ton of sheep. I'd complain, but they are all fairly accurate.
13. Hang on! Earlier, Sylvia said they were moving to LONDON. This lavish country home is in the middle of the countryside and most certainly NOT London. This isn't even the suburbs outside of London. Is this why some Americans think London is a country?
14. Mary is being yelled at by Evil Edward for minor infractions, and prepped to be shipped off to boarding school when she turns six. The men are furious.
Why is anyone surprised by this when Monster Mom ditched her at 6 months?
15. "Mr. Mitchell!" cries the headmistress of the boarding school at Peter, "What are you doing in my closet?"
Dude. That's a wardrobe where she's from. Could the script people not consult with ONE FUCKING BRITISH PERSON when they wrote this?
16. Peter is trying to get away from an aggressive pass the headmistress is making towards him.
Peter: "I'm impotent!"
Headmistress: "I find that so charming in a man!"
The person who wrote this script is definitely a man.
17. It's Sylvia's wedding day. Peter and the headmistress are rushing to get there to interrupt, Michael has taken the vicar on a wild goose chase and Jack has put on face prosthetics, dressed up as as a vicar and begins the ceremony. He is standing about 1 foot in front of Sylvia but she doesn't recognize him. Okay.
18. Peter and the headmistress interrupt the wedding, Edward calls Mary a little shit, Peter punches him out, then makes a speech about loving Sylvia that is basically a shit version of what Harry says to Sally at the end of When Harry Met Sally. Observe:
When Harry Met Sally: "I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.” Three Men and a Little Lady: "I love the way you walk, I love the way you laugh, I love the way when you get nervous you bite your bottom lip just like you're doing now." BUSTED.
19. Jack takes off his vicar mask STUNNING EVERYONE. Everyone in this room is an imbecile.
20. Peter and Sylvia get married on the spot. Because of course they do.