You know you can get those robotic sex dolls now because there are a ton of grimy, desperate men in the world? This was the 1987 cinematic version of that, only we're supposed to sympathize with and like the gross agalmatophiliac in question. Shit's about to get real.
1. This movie thinks we need a backstory to believe a mannequin would come to life. So here it is: Kim Cattrall is a white woman in "Edfu, Egypt" dressed as a MUMMY, who doesn't want to get married to the dude her parents have chosen for her. "If I thought that we women could change anything," her also-white mother, says, "don't you think I would?" (Did Mannequin just try and give itself a feminist spin? Go home, Mannequin. You're drunk.) Cattrall prays to God to not have to get married and then literally evaporates. Biggest "Fuck you, mom" ever.
2. Belinda Carlisle's "Wildest Dreams" is the opening montage song. I 100% back it.
3. Jonathan (Andrew McCarthy) is a sculptor who says he's a sculptor a lot, but never once in this movie sculpts anything. He has a day job constructing department store mannequins. He talks to them and does Andrew McCarthy Crazy Eye (TM) the whole time. It is deeply disturbing. Jonathan is the reason women are scared of men.
4. Jonathan gets fired for taking too long over constructing mannequins. That'll be all the jerking off, probably.
5. Jonathan goes straight from constructing naked lady dolls to making balloon animals at children's parties. Because sex predators will always find a way. Luckily, he gets fired again.
6. Somehow this jobless sex pest (who wears bowling shoes as regular shoes) has a motorcycle and a girlfriend named Roxy, who is a professional person at super-duper-80s department store, Illustra. Roxy isn't putting out."If we sleep together tonight," she says, "I think it would only confuse things." She advises him to get a therapist.
I 100% back it.
7. Jonathan sees a mannequin he made last week in the window of Prince & Co department store, so he stops and screams at it: "I wanted to take you home, but they wouldn't let me!" As he rides away finally, he shouts "See you tomorrow!"
Jonathan is a bonafide insane person.
8. Owner of Prince & Co -- Sophia from The motherfucking Golden Girls -- gives Jonathan a job for reasons that are so stupid, I'm not going to dignify them by writing them down.
9. James Spader is also in this because: Spader + McCarthy = Pretty in Pink-related marketing device. His name is Richards and he is a higher up at Prince & Co. "I'd like to do something creative," Jonathan tells Richards. "Maybe something with mannequins..."
Jonathan is the reason women are scared of men.
10. Roxy is being sexually harassed in work. "You can't tell me that he's satisfying you sexually," the predator says to her, literally thrusting. "I would like to sink my teeth into your little bottom."
Roxy works with the department store answer to Harvey Weinstein.
11. When Jonathan goes to Prince & Co's store window and finds his mannequin isn't there anymore, he immediately wanders into a ladies changing room without knocking first, because: sex predator.
12. Hollywood (Arsenio Hall) is a Prince & Co window dresser who is a flaming stereotype of what straight people used to think all gay men were like.
We're supposed to not find this cartoon character offensive because when security guard Felix calls Hollywood a "Mary", Jonathan calls Felix a bigot. Mannequin just gave itself a totally unjustifiable round of applause.
13. Jonathan is helping Hollywood with window displays. At one point, he asks his Kim Cattrall mannequin:"What's the matter? Don't you like your new scarf?" and she springs to life and says "Not really..."Her name is Emmy and she can only be alive in front of Jonathan. "You made this body, so I could come to life!" she declares immediately. Jesus. Enough with this Weird Science crap already.
IMPORTANT SIDENOTE: Here's how insane Andrew McCarthy's eyes are for this entire movie:
14. It's been 700 years but Emmy is still complaining about her parents trying to marry her off. Change the record, love.
15. Emmy says: "You've got good hands. I like the way they felt when they were putting me together." EW-EW-EW!!! Andrew McCarthy has clammy teenage boy hands and we all know it.
16. Kim Cattrall gets naked except for a hat so Jonathan stands Roxy up. This is a movie in which a lot happens, but nothing happens at all.
17. There are crowds of people at the department store staring at the window Hollywood and Jonathan made. "Prince and Company has the most incredible window!" an Illustra employee tells his boss. "It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen!"
Calm down, mate -- they're only tennis rackets.
18. Jonathan gets promoted to visual merchandiser. Calm down, everyone. They're only tennis rackets.
19. Emmy tells Jonathan that, in the last 700 years, "Along the way, I tried out different times and places, but none of them seemed quite right." So, after 700 years of traveling through time and space, this bitch lands in a department store in Philly in 1987 with this bozo and THAT'S where she decides to stay. This mannequin is a real dummy. BOOM! DAD JOKE!
20. Kim Cattrall, prompted by a really creepy come-on from Jonathan, does the worst dance routine in the history of the world (and yeah, there ARE "Walk Like an Egyptian" moves in there because apparently the last seven centuries weren't enough to knock those out of her.)
Just look at this fucking nonsense:
21. Think about what you just watched for a full minute.
None of that made any sense at all, did it?
Like I said: a lot happens, but nothing happens.
22. I am realizing this movie was created solely to fetishize consumerism and American shopping culture. Oh, and dolls. Definitely dolls.
23. This movie is the most inane movie I have ever seen in my life.
24. Felix the security guard trying to figure out what's going on in the department store at night is the subplot nobody needed.
25. Roxy and Harvey Weinstein are in the store after hours stalking Jonathan. (WHERE IS FELIX RIGHT NOW?) At one point, Weinstein points to his groin, looks Roxy in the eye and says "Would you like to see something in your size?"
Every man in this movie is a monster.
26. Jonathan just put sunblock on his mannequin. Inside the department store. In the middle of the night. So this is the point where I'm going to just submit to stupidity because nothing in this movie makes any fucking sense at all.
27. Jonathan to Emmy:"You think we should name our first kid Pinnochio?" Emmy to Jonathan:"There could never be anything better than being here with you."
IT'S A DEPARTMENT STORE IN PHILLY WITH ANDREW MCCARTHY, EMMY, AND HE WANTS TO NAME YOUR FIRST BORN CHILD AFTER A LYING WOODEN DOLL. YOU ARE SHOOTING WAY TOO LOW, EMMY.
WAY, WAY TOO LOW.
28. Felix and Richards go work for Illustra after Sophia from The Golden Girls fires them. Who gives a flying fuck? Seriously.
29. Roxy sees Jonathan ride off with Emmy-as-mannequin on his motorcycle, and immediately agrees to sleep with Harvey Weinstein. The lesson here is twofold: (i) If you harass women for long enough, they will willingly give in.
(ii) Owning a lifesize doll is better than dating an actual woman.
30. Felix and Richards are chasing Jonathan and Emmy across town for reasons that make about as much sense as the rest of this script does.
31. WHO IS THIS MOVIE FOR? There are no teenagers in it, the storyline is too absurd for 20-somethings, and a man humping a lifesize doll is not appropriate for children. WHO IS THIS MOVIE FOR?
32. Harvey Weinstein's impotence is the other fucking subplot we didn't need.
33. Jonathan just took Emmy out on the town, so why do they go back to the department store to hump in a hammock when he has a perfectly good apartment to go to? THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE.
34. Jonathan wakes up naked in pile of fur coats to the applause of all of the employees. We don't know why they're clapping -- all of the girl mannequins were stolen overnight by Felix and Richards so his window displays look like shit.
WHY ARE YOU ALL APPLAUDING?
35. Hollywood and Jonathan drive to Illustra to get stolen Emmy back. Roxy, in a fit of jealousy, is loading all of the mannequins into some sort of woodchipper (because all department stores have those in the basement, FYI.)
36. Jonathan saves Emmy at the last moment and this, for some reason, makes her come alive, even in front of other people. "You have to love me forever," she declares. She's 730 years old, dude. When she says forever, she fucking means it. Man. Talk about a boner killer.
37. A random basement employee starts kissing Roxy because he thinks she's a mannequin come to life, like Emmy. So Roxy is getting sexually assaulted right now. But it's what she deserves for the woodchipper incident, right everyone? WOMEN DESERVE EVERYTHING THEY GET.
38. Sophia from The Golden Girls has everyone from Illustra arrested. Roxy gets fired. I have never cared about anything less in my entire life.
39. Jonathan and Emmy get married in the window of the department store, by Hollywood, while Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" plays.