It's 30 days until Halloween, so this one just felt right. Like Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum kissing at an awkward angle in a warehouse. See?
1. Jeff Goldblum has really terrible hair in this movie. Also, motion sickness. “When I was a kid, I puked on my tricycle,” Seth Brundle tells (Geena Davis as) Veronica Queef (okay, it's Quaife, but... come on...) Seth Brundle really needs to work on his seduction technique.
2. Veronica is a reporter for Particle magazine. She wears double leather and has zero qualms about going back to strange labs in sparse warehouses, in bad parts of town, with creepy puking scientists she’s never met before.
For a science journalist, Veronica is not that smart.
3. There is now a scene in which Seth plays the piano for no reason whatsoever, other than to showcase the fact that Jeff Goldblum is an accomplished pianist. Oy-vey.
4. Veronica thinks Seth's teleportation devices (telepods) are “designer phone booths.” The '80s were so quaint, you guys.
5. Seth asks Veronica for an item of clothing or jewelry, “something that’s uniquely personal.” She responds to this by slowly removing one high-heeled shoe, rolling down one of her stockings and handing that over. Two things: (i) Really, Veronica? You couldn't have parted with a pen for two minutes? Or even just the fucking SHOE? (ii) Really, The Fly? Do men honestly think we just walk around wearing stockings all the time? Because, sorry to burst your bubble here, but we only actually ever put those on when we know we're going to have sex. Amiright, ladies?
6. After demonstrating the fact that he's invented teleportation, Seth tells Veronica—a reporter he has known for an hour—that she absolutely cannot write about it. When she objects, he gets legit angry. WHAT DID YOU THINK SHE WAS GOING TO WANT TO DO, SETH? YOU MET AT A SCIENCE CONVENTION, SETH.
For a scientist who just invented teleportation, Seth is not that smart.
7. A few days later, Seth asks Veronica to shadow him and his work to ultimately write a book about him. “I don’t have a life, so nothing for you to interfere with,” he says.
Except your PENIS, Seth! BOOM!
8. Veronica gets home and her editor is in her shower, having let himself into her apartment. They broke up recently and he still has a key. She’s mad about it for obvious reasons relating to boundaries. But you know what I’m mad about? The fact that every female journalist in every movie ever, is romantically involved with their editor. FUCK YOU, MOVIES. FUCK ALL OF YOU*. (*Except for When Harry Met Sally, in which Sally does not, in fact, bone her editor, unlike all of the lady journalists in movies like Crocodile Dundee, Network, The Ugly Truth, Bridget Jones etc.)
9. “KEY!” Veronica demands, trying to prevent this man from entering her home whenever he pleases. “I’ll keep it for old time’s sake,” he says.
CHANGE YOUR LOCKS, VERONICA QUEEF!
10. Seth Brundle just accidentally turned a monkey inside out because Seth’s gigantic fucking computer doesn’t understand flesh yet. Just look at the size of this thing and tell me why it can't figure out how to put a monkey back together:
11. Disappointed by the hideous monkey death, Seth teleports a steak. WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THE STEAK BEFORE THE MONKEY, SETH?
12. Veronica’s editor/ex is following her, acting like an insane stalker and asking to have “stress-relieving sex.”
CHANGE YOUR LOCKS, VERONICA QUEEF.
13. A baboon is successfully transported between telepods.
WHERE IS SETH GETTING ALL THESE MONKEYS FROM?
14. Seth gets drunk, talks to the baboon for a bit, then, on a whim, teleports himself without noticing the really loud, annoying fly in there with him. You're drunk, Seth, not DEAF.
15. Seth gets up in the middle of the night and starts silently doing really elaborate gymnastics off errant pipes and things.
But I’m like:
16. I cannot emphasize enough how awful Jeff Goldblum’s hair is in this movie. I don't think this was okay, even in 1986:
17. Seth is on a hyper-speed rant about his work’s importance and Veronica listens, doing the same face that all women do when we’re getting mansplained. Veronica, I know you were really stoked about that necklace he just bought you off that shit market stall and everything, but it is definitely okay to leave.
18. Seth is putting too much sugar in his coffee and trying to hump Veronica around the clock. Mid-sex, she notices coarse hair growing on Seth’s back. So trims them with THE LARGEST PAIR OF SCISSORS ON EARTH. Dramatic much, Veronica? Ever hear of tweezers, Veronica?
19. When Veronica refuses to teleport at Seth’s behest, he flips out and yells “You’re a fucking drag, you know that?” at her. It's very difficult to concentrate on anything, however, because Seth is dressed like this at the time:
20. After screaming at Veronica that she's “too chicken shit to be part of the dynamic duo club," (ARE YOU 10, Seth?!) he goes to "find somebody else who can keep up with me.” Then he goes to a bar and has an arm wrestle with a dude. One would think that this man might stop and take a step back once smoke started rising from their clasped hands (HOW?!) — but he doesn't. One would think that the weird pus that starts oozing between their fists would prompt some kind of response. Nope! No, this guy just keeps arm-wrestling the shirtless, pus-hand dude 'til there's a gaping hole in his arm. You kind of brought that on yourself, dude.
21. The sight of a hideously broken arm makes a woman want to immediately go home with Seth, because a man wrote this movie.
22. Seth is really sweaty and blotchy and grim and I can’t believe he found someone to have sex with.
There's someone for everyone, everybody!
23. “It’s your turn to go through,” Seth tells the woman in the morning. She says she doesn’t want to teleport because she's afraid. Then Veronica shows up and says with an entirely straight face: “Be afraid. Be very afraid.”
Let's be real, we've all had this conversation with our spouses at one time or another...
25. Veronica tells Seth she's had his weird back hair tested (a little invasive, but K) and it's apparently insect-based. In response to this, Seth punches a hole in a wooden beam while shouting “Could a sick man do THIS?!”
Well, yeah, bro. Kinda.
26. Seth casually pulls out his fingernails. The main consequence is that he now has to wear gardening gloves to type on his massive computer. Wouldn't band-aids be easier? Why do you even have gardening gloves, Seth? There's not one fucking plant in your entire warehouse.
27. Seth's massive computer tells him there's been a "fusion of Brundle and fly at molecular-genetic level.”
Then he pulls this exact face:
28. Fast forward to one month later and Seth has invited Veronica over—only now he's transformed into something even more monstrous. Don't you just hate that? When someone you used to date calls and you agree to meet up with them, and you show up and they're like:
29. After vomiting up his corrosive pus onto a donut, Seth’s ear falls off. Veronica, horrified, rushes forward and hugs him. Rather you than me, love. Rather you than me.
30. Next time Veronica goes back, Seth is doing a Lionel Richie. Which is what this is called:
31. Veronica is pregnant. “What do you want to do?” the ex/editor/stalker asks. “I don’t know,” she says. UM. Yeah. You fucking do actually. Call Planned Parenthood immediately.
32. Next thing we know, the ex/editor/stalker is accompanying Veronica to a hospital visit because she thinks she’s losing the baby. Why doesn’t Veronica have any friends? Seriously. There are absolutely none. It’s just her and these two creepy dudes. Why do you hate women, Veronica?
33. Then she poops out a maggot, and it turns out this part was all a dream. K.
Side-note: This is one of the most disgusting movies in history, and I 100% mean that as a compliment.
34. Fellas, don't read this one....
OHMYGOD, SETH’S DICK FELL OFF.
35. "Insects don’t have politics. They’re very brutal," Seth says. "No compassion, no compromise. We can’t trust the insect…"
Really Seth? Cause I watched a video on YouTube the other day of three bees all trying to help another bee because it had fallen into honey and was going to die without their assistance. Those bees were LOVELY. Don't blame billions of arthropods just because you're acting like a dickhead, Seth.
36. Seth, now referring to himself as "Brundle-Fly" bursts through a window to stop Veronica getting an abortion. So... he's still mostly man then.
37. After Veronica is whisked out of the window, the ex/editor/stalker shows up at Seth’s place with a massive rifle, then has his hand vomited on by Seth, which promptly melts completely off. Then Seth does the same thing to an ankle too, and that stalker's foot just slides right off! (Which is interesting, because the gardening gloves survived the vomit just fine earlier.) Also, can we talk about these effects for a second? That is clearly just a balled up fist that's been dipped in red paint.
38. Seth has built another telepod (which makes zero sense because he in no way had the equipment available for that just lying around, AND he has to do everything while wearing gardening gloves now.) The three pods form a gene splicer. (Teleporting is so OVER, you guys.) He wants to splice himself with Veronica and the fetus to make himself a bit more human. Veronica responds to this by literally ripping his jaw off. You go, girl!
39. Seth’s entire head splits open and—sweet baby Jesus!— he’s turned into Admiral Akbar!
40. In the struggle, Veronica gets pushed into a telepod. Luckily footless stalker still has a hand left and is able to shoot some wires and shit so her pod is no longer connected to the procedure. Seth however gets fused with his smashed up telepod, and emerges as a mangled, electronic slug beast. He points the gun to his own head, so Veronica blows his face off, then cries a lot.
Veronica is going to need a lot of therapy.
41. Fade to black. WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE GET THAT WOMAN AN ABORTION NOW?!