Now, I’ve never seen this one before. Because I’m British and we definitely did not care about baseball movies until A League Of Their Own (because: Madonna). Alright, Kevin Costner! Do your worst! (...You always freakin' do...)
1. Kevin Costner’s mom died when he was three, so naturally, his father never told him about anything other than baseball because MEN DO SPORTS THINGS.
2. Kevin Costner sums up his time in the ‘60s as: “I marched, I smoked some grass, I tried to like sitar music.”
YOU LOOKED LIKE A NARC, KEVIN COSTNER, AND YOU KNOW IT.
3. Kevin Costner is walking through his cornfield, and he keeps hearing: “If you build it, he will come.”
Oh shit, son! Kevin Costner is schizophrenic!
4. The same voice wakes Kevin Costner up in the middle of the night.
Oh, DAMN! Is this gonna be like The Shining but with farmers? I sure hope so!
5. Kevin Costner looks like a toe. I’m not kidding. Total toe.
6. The Toe hears the voice another couple of times out in the field, then hallucinates a baseball diamond on the other side of his field. Holy shit, this movie is AWFUL.
7. Ray Liotta is a ghost now? Good. I’d let 1989 Ray Liotta haunt me, lemme tell ya.
8. The Toe tells his wife that if he builds a baseball field, a very specific list of dead White Sox can come and play on his farm. She does not respond by calling the doctor, or removing their child from the house. She goes with it. Because The Toe's wife is also insane.
9. “I’m afraid I’m turning into my father,” The Toe tells Insane Wife. “The man never did one spontaneous thing in all the years I knew him. I’m afraid that might happen to me. I’ve got a feeling this may be my last chance to do something about it.” Hey Big Toe! Spontaneous is jumping on the next plane at an airport! Or getting drunk during your lunch hour! Or taking a sexy stranger home! Ain’t nothin’ spontaneous about building A FUCKING BASEBALL FIELD.
10. The Toe: “Do you think I’m crazy?” Insane Wife: “Yes. But I also think if you really feel you should do this, you should do it.”
So… where’s the money coming from for all this? The kid’s college fund? Or are you just raking in that much dough via the medium of CORN?
11. This movie feels like I missed an hour of it and I wandered in right at the point where the movie assumes you’ve started to care.
I definitely couldn't give a shit about any of these people.
12. The local neighbors in Iowa must be hella starved of shit to do. They’re all standing around watching The Toe building his baseball field. But from a distance. Through binoculars. To make it seem more exciting.
Y’all need to move to a city, farm people.
13. Ohmygod, this man does NOT stop talking about fucking BASEBALL. Give it a rest, Toe. If your wife wasn't so insane, she'd have definitely left you by now.
14. These people are all so fucking wholesome, I am on the verge of walking to the corner and buying some crack.
15. “Am I completely nuts?” The Toe asks again.
Dude. If you have to pose that question this fucking regularly, you should maybe ask someone other than Insane Wife.
16. The Toe and Insane Wife are at the dining table stressing about their finances. Not only do they have less acreage to grow corn now, they also “used up on all our savings on that field.”
Ohmygod, these people deserve to be homeless. Should this not have been a conversation BEFORE the field building? YOU HAVE A CHILD.
17. And, OH SHIT! The child in question is played by Gaby Hoffmann!
You know how Gaby Hoffmann played a crazy person in Girls? I actually think that's how Daughter of Toe and Insane Wife might have turned out! She's in a field full of ghosts, for crying out loud!
18. Ghost Ray Liotta has finally shown up on the field. He doesn’t appear to have brought a massive bag of cash with him, so I’m not sure how this is supposed to help anyone.
20. Does anyone else think it’s fucked up that The Toe has basically built a giant baseball Ouija board and now he’s dragging back ghost athletes who were previously at peace? For his own fucking amusement? This is literally one step away from Pet Sematary.
21. Confirmation of insanity has arrived! The Toe, Insane Wife and Mini-Gaby Hoffmann are watching the dead White Sox, but their guests see and hear nothing.
“They couldn’t see it!” Insane Wife says.
“This is really interesting...” The Toe replies.
YOU NEED TO BE SECTIONED. BOTH OF YOU.
Won't somebody protect Mini-Gaby Hoffman?!
22. The Toe has made friends with the ball players and they all bro down and shit. One night after they head back into the corn, that fucking voice starts up again.
“Ease his pain,” it says. “Ease his pain.”
I am literally astonished that this movie ever got made.
23. “This is a very non-specific voice you have out here and he’s starting to piss me off.”
Congratulations, Insane Wife, for saying the first sensible goddamn thing anyone has managed so far in this movie.
24. The Toe put glasses on and now he looks like a toe with glasses on.
25. The Toe and Insane Wife go to a PTA meeting where conservative parents are saying a book by Terence Mann should be banned in the school. There is no reason for The Toe and Insane Wife to even be in this meeting since their child is about 5 years old and isn’t in a class that would be reading this book. After Insane Wife makes a big scene, The Toe decides that the "Ease his pain" command just HAS to be about Terence Mann.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, FIELD OF DREAMS?!
This is the dumbest movie that ever did dumb.
26. There’s a montage now where The Toe studies Terence Mann in the library (and before you ask, yes, there IS microfiche involved). Eventually, he finds a flimsy link between Terence and baseball because, ohdeargod this movie isn't even TRYING to make sense.
27. The Toe stalks Terence all the way to Boston, then asks people for directions to Mann’s house. You’re in the rudest city on Earth, Kevin! Ain’t nobody there gonna help your Iowa ass!
28. “I am the least crazy person I have ever known,” The Toe tells Terence, after breaking into his apartment no less than three times. You're lucky you're white, Toe.
29. The voice is back. “Go the distance,” it’s saying. “Go the distance…” All I hear is this:
I fucking hate this song, but it's still better than anything else that's happened in this movie so far.
30. The Toe and Terence get a message from the scoreboard at Fenway Park, about a New York Giant named Moonlight Graham. He only got to play one game and... *VIOLENT SNORING*
31. Insane Wife dresses like Clare Danes doing her Temple Grandin impersonation and I’m finally enjoying something in this movie.
32. The Toe and Terence drive to Minnesota, find Moonlight (even though he’s been dead for about 16 years) and ask him what his dream is. It’s to play in the major leagues of course. But Moonlight stays behind. OHMYGOD, THIS MOVIE IS SO BORING.
33. When they get back to Iowa, there’s more ghost players on the field that we’re supposed to have heard of.
Was this movie’s target audience octogenarian baseball fans? Seriously. I don't know who any of this is supposed to be for.
34. Insane Wife’s brother is trying to make them sell the farm before they get foreclosed on, but mini-Gaby Hoffmann suggests selling tickets to the ghost game. (SLAVE GHOST LABOR NOW, WOULD WE?)
35. Terence tells The Toe that people will come to the field without even knowing why they’re doing it. Terence is psychic now. And thus, the Ouija board baseball field corn hole finally fulfills its destiny as a cult.
36. Mini-Gaby Hoffmann gets thrown off the bleachers backwards during a brother-in-law-related melee and is rescued by Moonlight who’s playing on the field as his younger self.
I feel nothing about anything that’s happening, except for Ray Liotta’s butt.
37. What genre is this fucking movie anyway? There’s not enough sports to be sports, there’s not enough drama to be drama, there’s not enough dragons to be fantasy, and it sure as shit ain’t a comedy. WHO IS THIS FILM FOR???
38. Terence gets invited into the corn by the ball players. I think that means the 1919 White Sox just killed a man. It's probably a protest about all that free labor they're being asked to do.
39. The Toe’s dead dad just showed up in a Yankees uniform, so the two of them take an awkward stroll like it’s a first date.
I’m gonna be hella excited if the dad tries to make out with The Toe. Please, Jesus. Please let this whole thing be a gay ‘Back To The Future’!
40. Dead Dad: “Is this heaven?”
The Toe: “It’s Iowa.”
A hard DEFINITELY NOT would have sufficed, Toe.
41. Thousands—literally THOUSANDS—of cars start arriving at the Ouija baseball field to join the cult. There definitely aren't enough bleachers for this, so it's safe to assume this is going in a Heaven's Gate direction. Don't drink the Kool-Aid, Mini-Gaby Hoffmann!